This year I learned more than ever that my words matter. I may have lost some things due to my inability to express what I wanted or felt. Though I may not lose those things forever, I vow never to repeat the same mistake. I have to be honest, transparent, and open. Words matter, and I will use them to speak life.
Fear
One of the reasons I did not speak was fear of rejection. I did not want to be embarrassed or ashamed of what I said. How can I get what God has promised me if I am afraid to say it? So, I made up my mind to be honest with myself, God, and those with who I am in a relationship. I can only overcome by my testimony if I tell it.
Validity
Feelings are not facts. Feelings can be based on so many things other than the facts of the present circumstances. Feelings will filter through our past experiences, hurt, or excitement. So, it may take some time to pinpoint what we feel. Examining our emotions helps us be honest and share what we mean with clarity and focus. No matter what we think, our feelings are valid. We shouldn’t compare ourselves to anyone or another situation. We deserve to say what we feel in a way that honors our thoughts.
Overcome
Words have power. We must rely on God’s wisdom and discernment to ensure we say what we mean and want. What do you want? Have you thought about what you require? What will it take to get the life God promised? Speak those things once discovered. Write your wants and needs out, so they are plain. Pray so that God will give you the desires of your heart. Start to speak life into the God-given visions until they manifest. Our words are powerful—words matter.
And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony, and they loved not their lives unto the death.
Forgiveness in Greek means sending away, letting go, giving up debt, not condemning, or keeping no longer. Forgiveness is the hard work of Christianity. As believers, we must forgive those who harmed us. It seems like a simple request. Your sins were wiped away when you were forgiven, so give others the same forgiveness. Yet, the actual act of forgiving someone is hard. This begs the question, why is it so hard?
Hurt
Forgiveness is challenging because of the hurt suffered. The pain and humiliation are scars that we have to deal with. The insults and negativity are not easily forgotten. While forgiveness does not require forgetting, it does require letting go of the hurt and offense. Letting go means realizing and admitting the depth of the wound. There is no use in forgiving someone of the pain they caused if it is still there. Holding on to the pain, anger, resentment, or whatever harmful offense will only hurt you in the long run. Hurt people respond from their place of hurt. There is not enough room for darkness and light to coexist in our hearts. We must choose light. We have to let go of the pain. So, how do we let go of the hurt?
Process
Pain is a real-time reminder of the offense endured. It’s okay to start small. Admit the pain is real and still hurts. Confess to yourself and God that you want it gone. Ask yourself why you held on to it. I held on to my pain because I didn’t want to be hurt again. That reminder was in my heart so that no one could get too close. I refused to live that hurt again. Now, I see that I did not allow myself to feel the love destined for me by harboring the offense.
The consequence of me holding on to the pain was not experiencing the close relationships with others and God I desired. Your why and results may be different. It’s still important to get to the root of the issue. Getting to the source can take time. Letting go demands reflection and growth. We have to dig deep and give it away completely. The good news is that we don’t have to do this independently. We can rely on God and the people He’s surrounded us with to help us navigate this. Still, there seems to be more than just the pain that’s not allowing us to forgive fully.
Justice
After all of the hurt and suffering we endured, it seems like the other person does not deserve forgiveness. It does not seem fair. What justice is served by forgiving the person that caused so much offense and pain? It looks like they should suffer some too. With this mindset, everyone in the world would be in a constant state of suffering. There would be no relief. Thank God justice is left up to Him. Forgiveness requires faith because we have to trust that Yahweh will handle it. We are called to forgive. When has God ever led us astray? He would not ask us to do something that harms us. Therefore, forgiveness must benefit us. Although we may not see the justice, we feel we deserve, that doesn’t mean the offender won’t pay. After all, we reap what we sow. Looking to repay evil for evil isn’t justice.
Forgiveness
At this point, we have let go of the hurt and stopped seeking revenge. Now is the time to invite mercy and kindness into our hearts and forgive. Compassion allows us to understand that the offender was a hurt person operating out of that hurt. What kind of insecurities and pain were they covering to harm another person that badly? Only love can cover a multitude of sins. Only love can drive out fear, hate, and pain. In this world, we rarely see love in action. Let’s be the change we want to see. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Forgiveness may take time, but it’s possible. What is keeping you in the bondage of pain? Why not start the healing process and forgive today? Your reward will be great.
But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
What goals have you accomplished this year? 2022 is almost upon us, and it’s time to set new goals and re-evaluate the old ones. Here are some of the goals I did and didn’t achieve.
In 2021, I sought out restoration, health, wellness, and a sound mind on purpose. Things like restoration do not happen by accident. It takes purposeful, intentional action directed toward a specific goal. I wanted my whole life to be complete, not just certain parts. So, I focused on five particular areas: faith, finances, fitness, fun, love. Let’s see where I measured up or fell short.
Faith
My goal was to intentionally pursue a closer relationship with God through prayer, fasting, meditation, and bible study. So, did I reach this goal? Though I did pray and study. I did not fast like I was supposed to. Nor did I meditate enough to hear from and connect with Yahweh truly. I recently started meditating and plan to incorporate this into my daily routine.
Finances
My goal was to get my finances in order. To do that, I need to get out of debt. Knowing that I owe money to other people is draining. I want to regain financial independence. I also want to invest, save, and make more money. By the end of 2021, I wanted to have a fully-funded emergency fund and be deep into the debt repayment process.
I know the pain of a broken heart: the despair, the brokenness, and feelings of helplessness and loneliness. I’ve cried those same tears. I’ve felt there was no one to turn to, no one who could understand what I felt. Yet, there is hope! You will heal from a broken heart.
Broken Heart
Healing from a broken heart requires you first to process the pain. Processing the pain looks different for everyone. Some people cry others shout, and some go to therapy. In my case, it was all three combined. Whatever you do, please don’t hold it in. Someone or something broke your heart, and it hurts. Don’t suffer in silence. Don’t allow your feelings to control you. Let the pain out. Psalm 34:17 says, “The Lord hears His people when they call to Him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles.” The Lord hears you when you cry out, so cry out. No one can listen to what you keep hidden inside. Once you cry out to Him, he will hear you and rescue you from your troubles.
Let It Go
Once you’ve processed the pain and cried out, stop replaying the hurt over and over in your mind. Stop thinking about all the ways you could have avoided it or things you should have done. It won’t ease the hurt. It only makes things worse because you keep reliving the pain. I know it’s going to be hard, but try not to think about it. You have to let it go. Let it go by keeping your mind fixed on God.
Isaiah 26:3 says, “God will keep you in perfect peace when you fix your thoughts on Him.” You can keep your thoughts fixed on Him by thinking about what is true, honorable, right, pure, excellent, and worthy of praise (Philippians 4:8). If you find yourself thinking about the hurt, stop and redirect your thoughts to God and more pleasurable things. In time you will find that you are in His perfect peace and on your way to having a healed heart.
Forgive
In that peaceful place, you’ll find it easier to forgive. Why should you forgive someone who hurt you so deeply? Why should you forgive someone who knew you, loved you, and still hurt you? Should you forgive someone who doesn’t even deserve forgiveness? It doesn’t seem fair. I struggled with this the most. It feels like someone should pay for the pain they inflicted. Someone should hurt, just like you are hurting. The thing is, though, it’s never quite satisfying to hurt someone else just because you’re hurt. It doesn’t erase your pain. You may feel vindicated, but what does that feeling do? It just adds more hurt to the world.
Compassion
In order to forgive, you have to do so from a place of compassion and mercy. You cannot forgive in your own strength. You have to rely on God to give you the grace to forgive. Why does God continually forgive us when we constantly hurt Him? When we intentionally disobey Him? He forgives us because He is full of grace and mercy and expects us to extend that same grace and mercy to others. Colossians 3:13 says, “make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive anyone who offends you.
Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” We are commanded to forgive as we’ve been forgiven. To forgive, I had to remember that God forgave me when I didn’t deserve it, and He did the same for me. Consider how God has forgiven you. Think about all that you have done and how much mercy God has shown you. Ask the Holy Spirit into your heart so that you can rely on Him for the understanding and compassion needed to forgive someone. Forgiveness will lead to healing. Healing and wholeness are God’s desires for you. Psalm 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.”
Hope
Healing is a process, and there is no timeframe for it. It may take some people a week and take others years. Although dealing with and healing from pain isn’t easy, you will survive. I did, as have so many others. You are still living and breathing and making it through. You may have been knocked down, but it did not destroy you. There is a joy that is coming that you cannot believe. Not only will you survive, but you will also be happy, whole, and wholly healed. You will love again, and it will be all that God has promised. He hasn’t failed you yet, and He never will.
As Thanksgiving rolls around again, we often think about what we are grateful for. The answers are varied, but usually, we hear things like family, friends, and life. While I am definitely thankful for family and friends, I decided to be grateful for what I didn’t get this year.
Grateful for No Romantic Relationship
No, I’m not in a relationship. I still desire to be in one. I’m grateful for the almost-relationships. It feels like I’ve been dating people non-stop for three years now. Currently, I’m on a break. This break allowed me to realize I’m willing to fall in love. I was not willing to risk heartbreak before. I actually took a chance on love and failed. I failed beautifully, though. So, I’m grateful that I got to chance to learn, love, and laugh. I’m also grateful that I get the chance to do it again; with the right person this time.
Grateful for Unanswered Prayers
Unanswered prayers seem like a strange thing to be grateful for. Lessons in the art of patience were plentiful this year. Learning to praise Him in the silence is hard. The silence of unanswered prayers is deafening. It makes me focus on the lack instead of the plenty Yahweh has already blessed me with. The unanswered prayers made me look at all that I have. It made me look at the works that Yahweh did through my hands. I realized through the silence that I am a vessel, and there is more work to do. So, I’m grateful for the unanswered prayers because they allowed me to see how much I already have and who I am. Yes, I still want my prayers answered, even if the answer is no. In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy and be thankful for everything around me.
Grateful for Feeling Stagnant
This year, I felt stagnant. I felt like I wasn’t moving or going anywhere. It seemed as if I had reached all my potential. I’m thankful that is not the truth. I still have the power, strength, and potential to do great things. Greater is coming for me. It took that feeling of stagnancy to make me realize how much control I have over my life. If I want more and better, then I can work to get it. Nothing is stopping me from achieving my goals and Yahweh’s will for my life other than me. So, I’m grateful that I found the will to keep going and push myself. I’m grateful that I can see the future laid out for me, and I’m going to get it. Just watch and see.
Gratefulness
Being thankful is about showing appreciation for a thing or to someone. The truth is, I have a lot to be grateful for. So many positive lessons have come from what can be perceived as losses. Now, I would prefer to learn those lessons without pain, but it was necessary for me. From now on, I plan to focus on the beautiful life I have right now. Goodness surrounds me, and more is coming. What more could I be grateful for?
Thanks for joining me on the journey! Happy Thanksgiving!
Establishing healthy boundaries is imperative to maintaining mental wellbeing. People need access to us, but how much access should we grant? When is being too available detrimental to our health? How do I set boundaries to protect my peace? How do I make sure I respect the boundaries other people have set? As a believer, how do I help without harming myself?
As I continue on my self-discovery and personal growth journey, these questions have come up repeatedly. There have been instances where I needed to establish a boundary and didn’t. The opposite is also true. I prayed and asked for wisdom on how to set limits while still exhibiting love.
Unhealthy Boundaries
At first, any and everyone had access to my whole self. No was not a part of my vocabulary. If someone needed help, I was there. When a friend or even a not-so-close associate called or texted at an inconvenient time, I answered or responded quickly. I held nothing back. I gave all of me and expected nothing in return. In theory, this sounds like a great human being. It sounds like I did more than my share for my fellow man. After all, isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Aren’t we supposed to serve and do what we can for those in need?
In reality, it left me exhausted and a little cold-hearted. I started to dread those calls, and resentment began to form in my heart. My cup was empty, yet I was still pouring from it. I was not taking any time for myself. Saying yes to them meant saying no to me. That way of life was not sustainable. So what did I do? I became rigid and selfish. It was all me all the time until God convicted my heart. That’s when I started asking all those questions above. How can I say yes to people and say yes to myself at the same time? His answer was to set healthy boundaries and start using the word no.
Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships.
therapistaid.com
I must bear the burdens of another, but I must also keep a watchful eye on myself so that I won’t call it quits as well. Ok, so how do I do that? What rules do I need to set and enforce to serve others and maintain my mental and physical health? The first step was to admit that I was not a superhero. I cannot be all things to all people. Pride caused me always to try and help because I wanted to be the one people called on. It made me feel good. My pride and ego had to go. Though it was a tough pill to swallow, I’m glad that I saw my role in it and had the opportunity to correct it.
The next step was only saying yes to those who genuinely asked for help. By doing this, I wasn’t out all times of day and night just because someone asked. I started looking for resources outside of myself that could help them. If they chose to avail themselves of those resources great, if not, I questioned if they really needed help or just wanted me to do the work for them.
Enforcing Healthy Boundaries
Naturally, the next step was saying no. Saying no was hard. I’m a recovering people-pleaser, and I was still dealing with my pride issue. So, saying no took effort, intentionality, and time. Saying no is the way to enforce the boundaries I set. I had to start valuing my own opinion. What I feel and how it impacts me is essential. I gave myself permission to feel and examine whether those emotions were valid. Enforcing my boundaries helped me to do that. Now I can serve in a way that was not available to me before. I can also respect when others say no to me and not take it personally.
I went from being too loose with my boundaries to being too rigid, and now I’m somewhere in-between. I’m still learning and growing. There are still times when a yes should have been a no, but thank God for His grace. This life is a journey, and while I still have a long road ahead, I also have covered a lot of ground. I’m grateful for the lessons learned along the way. I’m learning how to say no with love. I intend to keep learning, loving, and serving.
Thanks for joining me on this journey! I love all of y’all for real!
Here we discuss five aspects of life that make the whole person—faith, fitness, finances, fun, and of course, love. Today I want to discuss being financially whole and what that looks like.
Of course, we’re going to start with a mini storytime. I started my financial wholeness journey in 2015. I took Dave Ramsey’s class, financial peace. The course taught me how to budget and take control of my expenses. During the next four years, I paid off all of my credit cards, paid off my car, and started saving towards a house by moving in with my parents. Now, I understand some of this is a privilege. Not everyone has parents that will allow them to live rent-free while pursuing their financial goals. So, I’m incredibly grateful to my parents for giving me that chance to change my life and the lives of future generations.
Debt Freedom
In September of 2019, I bought my townhouse and immediately got into more credit card debt. I used most of my money for the house and down payment. It’s incredibly expensive to purchase a house. I was using more gas looking at houses, I had to pay for inspections and all sorts of fees I did not calculate into my budget, but by the grace of God, I was able to purchase my home and furnish it.
Then in March of 2020, I lost my job. Yes, at the start of the pandemic and about six months after purchasing a home. Thankfully, I was able to start a career with a higher salary in April. But I was scarred from losing my job and elected to stack my money and take the option to defer my mortgage while the pandemic persisted. After six months of not paying my mortgage, I was able to pay off my credit cards and fund my 6-month emergency fund. Now, was that a wise decision? I think so right now, but those payments moved to the end of my mortgage term so that I may be singing a different tune later. This pandemic and the sudden loss of so many people shifted my goal from financial freedom to financial wholeness. So, what does being financially whole mean?
Financially Whole
Well, financial freedom is not owing anyone and having complete control of all of my money. However, when I saw all of these people dying without life insurance, losing jobs with no savings, and unable to afford necessities without assistance, I decided to be financially whole. While it includes debt freedom, it also promotes savings account for emergencies, life insurance, a will, and health care directives, so my relatives know my wishes upon death and retirement investments.
All of this is important, especially for single folks. Because we are the only ones who have control over our affairs, we need to have contingencies in place, so should we perish, our families and friends won’t be scrambling to put together a Go Fund Me account. I want to take as much stress off of my family as possible. Letting them know what I want ahead of time will help ease the burden. I know this is not people’s favorite topic. But if the pandemic hasn’t taught us anything else, it’s that life is precious and tomorrow is not guaranteed. Young and old are leaving this earth every day, and we need to be prepared. It’s time to get our financial houses in order.
Uncomfortable Conversations
So, I got the term financially whole from Tiffany Aliche, the budgetnista. She explains it very well, so I encourage you to follow her as well. There is no reason why we can’t be financially whole. It’s an uncomfortable conversation, but how much stress and pain can we save if we have this conversation now? To all my people out there, especially my melanated brothers and sisters, get that will, life insurance, and health care directives now. You can continually update them if you change your mind. Find out how to avoid the probate process. We are a generation of entrepreneurs and wealth generators. We need to plan to pass that to the next generation so they can reap the full benefit.
In future posts, I’ll break down each aspect of financial wholeness and how to achieve it. Research the things I talked about, including debt freedom, and begin investing in your future. I love yall for real! Thank you for joining me for another post of Living Free Joyfully, and make sure to share, like, and subscribe!
Here we discuss faith, fitness, finances, fun love today. I want to talk about love, or more explicitly, dating and courting.
Story Time
So, I had a boyfriend for five years, and after that, I did not date for six years. Then I dated heavily for 2.5 years. It was fun & I was not dating seriously. It taught me a lot about what I wanted & what I did not want. So that brings us to this year. Around March of this year, I hired a dating coach for high-value women of faith. This course lasted 12 weeks, and while the intention was to be found by the love of my life, the result was me falling more in love with God & myself. I found a community of like-minded women who are on the same mission & got the same result. Because my mindset has changed, I know what I want is possible.
Lesson Learned
I also learned how to communicate what I want. I have the vision and can make it plain. Since joining this group for the first time, I have been able to envision myself getting married. Not just the dress or the wedding venue, but I can see myself as a bride and a wife. Before, I could see myself in the beautiful white dress surrounded by friends and family. I could see the gorgeous venue and all of the beautiful flowers and other decorations, but I could not see myself living life as a wife. I know it sounds crazy.
Make it Plain
Marriage is something that most Christian women aspire to be, at least the ones I know. We’re taught that this is what we should want, a beautiful wedding, beautiful marriage, and beautiful kids. What we weren’t taught is how to get that. We’re not taught how to envision that life and go after it. So now, I can see my regular, every life as a wife. I can see myself waking up beside my husband and how our lives will look. I can see us celebrating our joy.
That’s all due to the mindset shift, instead of focusing on the man and the marriage. I am focusing on myself and making my life as complete as possible. No one wants a person who is just existing. I know I don’t. I want someone compatible with me.
Mindset Shift
Now that I love myself, even more, I’m going to make sure I honor God and my desires in every decision I make, especially the person I choose to marry. Emphasis on choice. I’m willing to wait to get what I want, whoever God has for me. I abandoned the thought that there weren’t any good men left. There are plenty of good men who want to be with me. All I have to do is use my God-given discernment to choose the right one for me. I meet good men all the time. If that’s not your experience, ask yourself why? I know what I want, and I’m willing to trust God with the next steps.
Bottom line, fall in love with yourself, disabuse yourself of the notion that dating is too much or little of anything, and allow God to work. I promise He will blow your mind.
We are attracting and manifesting over here. So keep being free and living in joy! Please don’t forget to share, like, and subscribe! See you next time! Love, Kim
“So I recommend the enjoyment of life, for there is nothing better on earth for a person to do except to eat, drink, and enjoy life. So joy will accompany him in his toil during the days of his life which God gives him on earth.”
