Category: Confidence

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Purity Culture

Purity Culture
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Purity culture is the idea that a person (mostly women) must stay pure (virgin-like) to receive a God-ordained marriage. The message of the culture was that all we had to do was pray and wait on the Lord and serve in the local church. Then, magically and at the right time, the Lord would reward us with marriage.

Heavy emphasis was placed on abstaining from sex before marriage. The problem with the purity message was how we glorified marriage and purity, not God. There was little to no teaching on preparing to be a wife. There was no instruction for men to be husbands and develop self-control. From my experience, most of the education focused on women waiting on and travailing in the Lord.

The Problem

Let me preface this by saying there is nothing wrong with waiting on the Lord. When you wait on the Lord, He will renew your strength. I am also not advocating for sex outside of marriage. The problem was the implication that all we had to do was serve our church and wait on the Lord. Dating was practically deemed morally wrong. Emphasis was put on finding The One (Which isn’t biblically based.) Women were told to remain abstinent, pure, and holy. Men were told to follow the Lord and learn how to lead. Isn’t it funny how the purity message wasn’t preached as much to men as it was to women? Not funny, ha-ha, but funny weird.

The idea of “The One” was pushed so hard that it created anxiety, fear, and avoidant dating practices. The children of God were told to view one another as brothers and sisters in Christ, which made it slightly more difficult to find a mate. Sex was demonized so much that some couples report not enjoying it within the confines of marriage. Purity culture was convincing. It told us exactly what to do and how to get what we wanted–marriage and sex. All we had to do was serve God, so it seemed simple. Yet, why are so many of us disillusioned and breaking away from it and God altogether?

Selfish Hearts

Because purity culture was a scam, and we all fell for it. Purity culture had us base our relationship with God on a certain outcome, marriage. We became disillusioned, confused, and justifiably angry when we didn’t get married or eventually got divorced. I believe that behind all the prayers and purity-minded services were hearts that didn’t truly want Yahweh. We wanted what God would give us, not a relationship with Him. Purity messages were a convenient way to get people in the pews, especially women. Purity culture produced broken and angry people who are single or are in disastrous marriages. Granted, some marriages birthed out of purity culture are thriving, but we all can see the fallout of serving Yahweh selfishly.

The worst part is people are now mad at Yahweh. They are separating themselves from Him because of broken promises, yet those promises weren’t from Him; they were from the people who claimed to know Him. I acknowledge that it is a very tight line to walk. On one hand, there is a generation of people who wanted marriage and to please Yahweh. On the other hand, there are people who, although probably well-intentioned, took advantage of people desperately seeking answers, healing, and community.

Healing

The best part is that those answers, healing, and community are still available. They may not come in the package that we once thought they would, but they are there for those still seeking them. Now that we are older and wiser, it’s time to take back our autonomy. Yahweh is still the same gracious, kind, and loving God. For those who still desire marriage, there are plenty of men and women desiring the same marriage you do. For those who are hurt and broken, peace and comfort are available to you. To those who have may have left the faith, I pray you found what you were looking for. If not, Yahweh will always welcome you back with open arms, as He has done with all of us.

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Discipline and Legacy

woman holding neck staring on wall
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As of late, I live at the intersection of legacy and discipline. The older I get, the more I think about getting my affairs in order and the legacy I want to leave behind. Of course, I want to leave money and houses, but I also want to leave something more precious. I want to leave a legacy that will impact this generation and those to come; one of righteous living. 

Those who came before me left indelible marks and undeniable impressions. For me, the natural question is what will my future grandkids say about me? Who will they say I am? Will they know me as kind and compassionate? Or will they only know me from the money and houses I left to them? While I plan to do both, I prefer more of the former. I want to be known for leaving people in a place better than I found them. This leaves me to wonder, is my life a reflection of that now?

My Legacy

Should I leave this earth right now, could I honestly say that I lived so righteously that I influenced other people to come to Christ? Can I say that I followed Christ to the best of my ability in every instance? When I have children will they look at me like I look at my father– someone whose life has constantly displayed and proven the goodness of Yahweh?

In every trial, illness, and upset, I remember my father sitting us all down and speaking about the goodness of the Lord. I remember him leading us in prayer as a family. I remember him insisting I pay tithes and telling me the reasons why. This is how I want to be remembered. This is the legacy I want to leave—a testament to the goodness of our Father.

Discipline

So, as I look at my life right now I cannot honestly say that’s the total legacy I want to leave. Perhaps I have impacted some and given hope to others. But I now need discipline and intentionality to really live full out for God. Fortunately, God hasn’t called me home yet and there is still time to get it right. I can still leave the legacy I want to. I must remember that God has given me the self-discipline to do it. He has and will provide me with spiritual wisdom to achieve a life that proves His goodness. Through His Son, Yeshua, I know that nothing is impossible for me if I just believe and declare it. 

From this day forward, I declare by the power Yahweh gave me through Yeshua that these mountains must move. I have the power, love, and discipline to leave an inheritance, a legacy that will benefit this generation and those to come. I will live a life that influences people to seek Christ for themselves. All I have to do is pray, listen, and then obey. 

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline.

2 Timothy 1:7 (NIV)

He answered, “Because of your little faith (your lack of trust and confidence in the power of God); for I assure you and most solemnly say to you if you have (living) faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and (if it’s God’s will) it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.”

Matthew 17:20 AMP
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Accidental Date

I went on a date by accident. What I thought was an innocent lunch between long-time friends ended up being a date. Let’s start at the beginning.

The Beginning

I have always wholeheartedly believed men and women could be friends. So, when I met this gentleman in 2014, we became fast friends. We talked on the phone and texted regularly. There were no romantic sparks, just genuine interest in one another’s lives. We met at church and hung out from time to time. Every time we talked, I laughed because our conversations were hilarious. We talked about everything from God to careers to our love lives. I enjoyed our friendship.

The Accidental Date

Due to the pandemic and life, we hadn’t seen each other in a while. So one day, my friend suggested we meet up for lunch. I agreed to lunch because we always have fun together. So, the day of the lunch comes, and I’m 1.5 hours late. I was dogsitting and lost track of time. When I looked at my phone, I had many missed calls and texts from him. I called and apologized and told him I’d be there in 5 minutes. (Which is 15 minutes.)

I arrived and didn’t initially see him, so I walked to the restaurant’s entrance. I got distracted by a loudspeaker announcing the going-out-business sale of a nearby store. As I was listening and wondering if I should visit the store after lunch, I saw a man with flowers standing by the entrance. I absent-mindedly thought that was sweet. He is probably surprising his girlfriend. When I got closer, I realized that the guy was my friend.

Surprise! Date by Accident

Confusion covered my face. I wondered if someone else was joining us and why my friend had waited to give the flowers to her since I was so late. Then he handed the flowers to me. I was shocked. I had no idea what to do or say. I’m sure my face showed what I thought because he asked me if I was okay. I finally came to my senses and muttered, “Yes, thank you.” Then we walked into the restaurant. The hostess sat us, and I quickly put the flowers onto a chair and shoved the chair under the table. I didn’t want to look at or even acknowledge them.

I pretended that everything was normal. We laughed, and we had a good time. I thought I had been successful in my attempt to avoid the flowers. Then, the manager asked if it was my birthday, pointing at the flowers. I could no longer ignore the flowers or my beaming friend. He was smiling so wide; that I wanted to go home. I politely told the manager no and decided to talk with my friend.

The Talk

I asked about the flowers. I could have been tactful, but it annoyed me. My friend said, “This is what you do on a date.” I was in disbelief. I asked why did he think this was a date. Then he confessed his feelings for me. I was so disappointed, and he could tell. I told him I did not have a romantic interest in him. I looked at him like a little brother. I considered it for two seconds, but I could not imagine him kissing me. So, that was that. We left and said we would still be friends, but I haven’t heard from him.

Friends

I couldn’t figure out why I was disappointed that my friend wanted to date me. After a lot of thought and prayer, I figured it out. It hurt to know he was never my friend, laying in wait until he thought I was available. When he produced the flowers, I knew I would lose a friend. I still believe men and women can be friends. Maybe we will be friends again. In the meantime, I’ll value the friendships I have even more.

Thanks for joining me on this journey,

Kim

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The Power Within

So we all know the story about the prodigal son. The scripture where the son demands his inheritance and goes off and squanders it then returns home. The moral of the story is that no matter how far you wander away from home, God will always be there to welcome you back with open arms. Usually, when you hear that parable, it focuses on the prodigal son. Other times the focus is the elder son who stayed. His reaction of anger and resentment is treated as a precautionary tale of what not to do. I don’t often hear the perspective that while the elder son was resentful and angry, the father still offered him grace and comfort. The father tells the elder child, “…Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours.” That’s the power within.

Blessings

The loyal, faithful, and obedient son always had access to the inheritance. Even while rejoicing over the prodigal son’s return, the father ran out to comfort and advised the elder son. The elder son had proximity, access, and his father’s ear. How often do we focus on someone else’s blessing when we had access to our Father the entire time? The loyal and obedient children are always in the presence of the Father. Why should those so near to God take it for granted by looking at another’s blessing?

Full Access

God has placed within us a power that we have access to all of the time. While comforting the elder son, the father says, “all that is mine is yours.” How often do we take our unlimited access to God and His kingdom for granted? All that is His is Ours. Lately, I’ve been feeling like the eldest child. I’m watching everybody else get to celebrate and bask in their blessings. While I don’t begrudge anyone their just deserts, I feel a little left out. 

Which is what I imagine the elder son felt as well. Here I am in the field, working and being obedient. I watch from afar as others get celebrated and blessed, wondering when it will be my turn—forgetting that my Father is right there. I can go and talk to Him at any point in time. 

The Power Within

All I had to do was ask, and it would be given to me because He is close to me. As a matter of fact, even when I was disobedient and willfully rebellious, He still celebrated me and called me back to Him.  And I still had access to His entire kingdom to His full divinity when I returned. It seems a bit silly now. I have God, the Creator, near me, willing to comfort me, and I’m too concerned about when my blessing will come. He is always with me, including his peace, power, and might. 

Rejoice

God’s power resides within me through his Holy Spirit. What shall I fear? Of whom do I have to be afraid? He is near; He inclines His ear to me. He is concerned about me. And it is through that invested power within; He can do exceedingly abundantly above anything I can ask or think. It’s all because of the power within. So, we have God and His power near and in us with any obstacle, challenge, or situation we face. Remember, no matter where we are, we have full access once we come to Him. We are His, and He is ours. Let’s use that power within to edify, support, and love. Our time is coming, and it’ll be sooner than we think.

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Broken Heart

Broken Hearted

I know the pain of a broken heart: the despair, the brokenness, and feelings of helplessness and loneliness. I’ve cried those same tears. I’ve felt there was no one to turn to, no one who could understand what I felt. Yet, there is hope! You will heal from a broken heart.

Broken Heart

Healing from a broken heart requires you first to process the pain. Processing the pain looks different for everyone. Some people cry others shout, and some go to therapy. In my case, it was all three combined. Whatever you do, please don’t hold it in. Someone or something broke your heart, and it hurts. Don’t suffer in silence. Don’t allow your feelings to control you. Let the pain out. Psalm 34:17 says, “The Lord hears His people when they call to Him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles.” The Lord hears you when you cry out, so cry out. No one can listen to what you keep hidden inside. Once you cry out to Him, he will hear you and rescue you from your troubles.

Let It Go

Once you’ve processed the pain and cried out, stop replaying the hurt over and over in your mind. Stop thinking about all the ways you could have avoided it or things you should have done. It won’t ease the hurt. It only makes things worse because you keep reliving the pain. I know it’s going to be hard, but try not to think about it. You have to let it go. Let it go by keeping your mind fixed on God.

Isaiah 26:3 says, “God will keep you in perfect peace when you fix your thoughts on Him.” You can keep your thoughts fixed on Him by thinking about what is true, honorable, right, pure, excellent, and worthy of praise (Philippians 4:8). If you find yourself thinking about the hurt, stop and redirect your thoughts to God and more pleasurable things. In time you will find that you are in His perfect peace and on your way to having a healed heart.

Forgive

In that peaceful place, you’ll find it easier to forgive. Why should you forgive someone who hurt you so deeply? Why should you forgive someone who knew you, loved you, and still hurt you? Should you forgive someone who doesn’t even deserve forgiveness? It doesn’t seem fair. I struggled with this the most. It feels like someone should pay for the pain they inflicted. Someone should hurt, just like you are hurting. The thing is, though, it’s never quite satisfying to hurt someone else just because you’re hurt. It doesn’t erase your pain. You may feel vindicated, but what does that feeling do? It just adds more hurt to the world.

Compassion

In order to forgive, you have to do so from a place of compassion and mercy. You cannot forgive in your own strength. You have to rely on God to give you the grace to forgive. Why does God continually forgive us when we constantly hurt Him? When we intentionally disobey Him? He forgives us because He is full of grace and mercy and expects us to extend that same grace and mercy to others. Colossians 3:13 says, “make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive anyone who offends you.

Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” We are commanded to forgive as we’ve been forgiven. To forgive, I had to remember that God forgave me when I didn’t deserve it, and He did the same for me. Consider how God has forgiven you. Think about all that you have done and how much mercy God has shown you. Ask the Holy Spirit into your heart so that you can rely on Him for the understanding and compassion needed to forgive someone. Forgiveness will lead to healing. Healing and wholeness are God’s desires for you. Psalm 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.”

Hope

Healing is a process, and there is no timeframe for it. It may take some people a week and take others years. Although dealing with and healing from pain isn’t easy, you will survive. I did, as have so many others. You are still living and breathing and making it through. You may have been knocked down, but it did not destroy you. There is a joy that is coming that you cannot believe. Not only will you survive, but you will also be happy, whole, and wholly healed. You will love again, and it will be all that God has promised. He hasn’t failed you yet, and He never will.

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Grateful

As Thanksgiving rolls around again, we often think about what we are grateful for. The answers are varied, but usually, we hear things like family, friends, and life. While I am definitely thankful for family and friends, I decided to be grateful for what I didn’t get this year.

Grateful for No Romantic Relationship

No, I’m not in a relationship. I still desire to be in one. I’m grateful for the almost-relationships. It feels like I’ve been dating people non-stop for three years now. Currently, I’m on a break. This break allowed me to realize I’m willing to fall in love. I was not willing to risk heartbreak before. I actually took a chance on love and failed. I failed beautifully, though. So, I’m grateful that I got to chance to learn, love, and laugh. I’m also grateful that I get the chance to do it again; with the right person this time.

Grateful for Unanswered Prayers

Unanswered prayers seem like a strange thing to be grateful for. Lessons in the art of patience were plentiful this year. Learning to praise Him in the silence is hard. The silence of unanswered prayers is deafening. It makes me focus on the lack instead of the plenty Yahweh has already blessed me with. The unanswered prayers made me look at all that I have. It made me look at the works that Yahweh did through my hands. I realized through the silence that I am a vessel, and there is more work to do. So, I’m grateful for the unanswered prayers because they allowed me to see how much I already have and who I am. Yes, I still want my prayers answered, even if the answer is no. In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy and be thankful for everything around me.

Grateful for Feeling Stagnant

This year, I felt stagnant. I felt like I wasn’t moving or going anywhere. It seemed as if I had reached all my potential. I’m thankful that is not the truth. I still have the power, strength, and potential to do great things. Greater is coming for me. It took that feeling of stagnancy to make me realize how much control I have over my life. If I want more and better, then I can work to get it. Nothing is stopping me from achieving my goals and Yahweh’s will for my life other than me. So, I’m grateful that I found the will to keep going and push myself. I’m grateful that I can see the future laid out for me, and I’m going to get it. Just watch and see.

Gratefulness

Being thankful is about showing appreciation for a thing or to someone. The truth is, I have a lot to be grateful for. So many positive lessons have come from what can be perceived as losses. Now, I would prefer to learn those lessons without pain, but it was necessary for me. From now on, I plan to focus on the beautiful life I have right now. Goodness surrounds me, and more is coming. What more could I be grateful for?

Thanks for joining me on the journey! Happy Thanksgiving!

Love, Kim.

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Healthy Boundaries

Establishing healthy boundaries is imperative to maintaining mental wellbeing. People need access to us, but how much access should we grant? When is being too available detrimental to our health? How do I set boundaries to protect my peace? How do I make sure I respect the boundaries other people have set? As a believer, how do I help without harming myself?

As I continue on my self-discovery and personal growth journey, these questions have come up repeatedly. There have been instances where I needed to establish a boundary and didn’t. The opposite is also true. I prayed and asked for wisdom on how to set limits while still exhibiting love.

Unhealthy Boundaries

At first, any and everyone had access to my whole self. No was not a part of my vocabulary. If someone needed help, I was there. When a friend or even a not-so-close associate called or texted at an inconvenient time, I answered or responded quickly. I held nothing back. I gave all of me and expected nothing in return. In theory, this sounds like a great human being. It sounds like I did more than my share for my fellow man. After all, isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Aren’t we supposed to serve and do what we can for those in need?

In reality, it left me exhausted and a little cold-hearted. I started to dread those calls, and resentment began to form in my heart. My cup was empty, yet I was still pouring from it. I was not taking any time for myself. Saying yes to them meant saying no to me. That way of life was not sustainable. So what did I do? I became rigid and selfish. It was all me all the time until God convicted my heart. That’s when I started asking all those questions above. How can I say yes to people and say yes to myself at the same time? His answer was to set healthy boundaries and start using the word no.

Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships.

therapistaid.com

I must bear the burdens of another, but I must also keep a watchful eye on myself so that I won’t call it quits as well. Ok, so how do I do that? What rules do I need to set and enforce to serve others and maintain my mental and physical health? The first step was to admit that I was not a superhero. I cannot be all things to all people. Pride caused me always to try and help because I wanted to be the one people called on. It made me feel good. My pride and ego had to go. Though it was a tough pill to swallow, I’m glad that I saw my role in it and had the opportunity to correct it.

The next step was only saying yes to those who genuinely asked for help. By doing this, I wasn’t out all times of day and night just because someone asked. I started looking for resources outside of myself that could help them. If they chose to avail themselves of those resources great, if not, I questioned if they really needed help or just wanted me to do the work for them.

Enforcing Healthy Boundaries

Naturally, the next step was saying no. Saying no was hard. I’m a recovering people-pleaser, and I was still dealing with my pride issue. So, saying no took effort, intentionality, and time. Saying no is the way to enforce the boundaries I set. I had to start valuing my own opinion. What I feel and how it impacts me is essential. I gave myself permission to feel and examine whether those emotions were valid. Enforcing my boundaries helped me to do that. Now I can serve in a way that was not available to me before. I can also respect when others say no to me and not take it personally.

I went from being too loose with my boundaries to being too rigid, and now I’m somewhere in-between. I’m still learning and growing. There are still times when a yes should have been a no, but thank God for His grace. This life is a journey, and while I still have a long road ahead, I also have covered a lot of ground. I’m grateful for the lessons learned along the way. I’m learning how to say no with love. I intend to keep learning, loving, and serving.

Thanks for joining me on this journey! I love all of y’all for real!

Kim

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Love: Courtship and Dating

Here we discuss faith, fitness, finances, fun love today. I want to talk about love, or more explicitly, dating and courting. 

Story Time

So, I had a boyfriend for five years, and after that, I did not date for six years. Then I dated heavily for 2.5 years. It was fun & I was not dating seriously. It taught me a lot about what I wanted & what I did not want. So that brings us to this year. Around March of this year, I hired a dating coach for high-value women of faith. This course lasted 12 weeks, and while the intention was to be found by the love of my life, the result was me falling more in love with God & myself. I found a community of like-minded women who are on the same mission & got the same result. Because my mindset has changed, I know what I want is possible.

Lesson Learned

I also learned how to communicate what I want. I have the vision and can make it plain. Since joining this group for the first time, I have been able to envision myself getting married. Not just the dress or the wedding venue, but I can see myself as a bride and a wife. Before, I could see myself in the beautiful white dress surrounded by friends and family. I could see the gorgeous venue and all of the beautiful flowers and other decorations, but I could not see myself living life as a wife. I know it sounds crazy. 

Make it Plain

Marriage is something that most Christian women aspire to be, at least the ones I know. We’re taught that this is what we should want, a beautiful wedding, beautiful marriage, and beautiful kids. What we weren’t taught is how to get that. We’re not taught how to envision that life and go after it. So now, I can see my regular, every life as a wife. I can see myself waking up beside my husband and how our lives will look. I can see us celebrating our joy. 

That’s all due to the mindset shift, instead of focusing on the man and the marriage. I am focusing on myself and making my life as complete as possible. No one wants a person who is just existing. I know I don’t. I want someone compatible with me. 

Mindset Shift

Now that I love myself, even more, I’m going to make sure I honor God and my desires in every decision I make, especially the person I choose to marry. Emphasis on choice. I’m willing to wait to get what I want, whoever God has for me. I abandoned the thought that there weren’t any good men left. There are plenty of good men who want to be with me. All I have to do is use my God-given discernment to choose the right one for me. I meet good men all the time. If that’s not your experience, ask yourself why? I know what I want, and I’m willing to trust God with the next steps. 

Bottom line, fall in love with yourself, disabuse yourself of the notion that dating is too much or little of anything, and allow God to work. I promise He will blow your mind.

We are attracting and manifesting over here. So keep being free and living in joy! Please don’t forget to share, like, and subscribe! See you next time! Love, Kim

Also Read:

Pray. Listen. Obey.

Rejoice | Enjoying Life to the Fullest
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Unexpected Reality

Then they rose early in the morning and worshiped before the Lord and returned and came to their house at Ramah. And Elkanah knew Hannah, his wife, and the Lord remembered her. 1 Samuel 1:19

So, here I am—a 35-year-old single, childless woman. I am not working the job I want and just kind of generally feeling like I’m living below the promises of God.

I’m trying to be grateful and see all the beautiful things that I have in my life. I have wonderfully supportive friends and family who genuinely love me. I have a job that provides more than I need, a lovely home, and hobbies that I genuinely enjoy. I’m even dating, which has proved to be an enjoyable and educational experience.

Yet, I feel a void when I think about this unexpected reality. I desire marriage, kids, and a family of my own. I’m approaching the get-up and go in peace place like Hannah. I’m no longer in the weeping year after year phase. THat weeping and anguish got old quickly.

I also feel like going in peace is a little like letting go. It feels like I’m giving up on a dream. If I surrender and say, God, if you do, I’m good, but God, even if you don’t, I’m still good. Sometimes this feels like I’m burying my desires and dreams to accept life as is.

The thing is, I know in my mind this isn’t true. In my mind, the path forward is God’s will, and I’m possibly even delaying His will for me by not fully surrendering. However, it’s proven challenging to let go and let God. How do I submit and be OK with whatever the outcome is and still pray for my desires simultaneously?

All I know to do is go to God and be honest. I have to tell Him how I feel and then not worry. Remember to look at how much He has already blessed me. Then pray some more until I hear from Him. I genuinely do want to lay this burden down. I do want to get up from prayer and walk in peace. I want to praise God whatever the outcome genuinely. I declare that joy will be my portion, and I’ll be thankful in all things.

So, it’s kind of two-fold; my unexpected reality is that I’m single with no kids, and I’m trying to put that at God’s feet. But, it’s not as consuming as it used to be. Now, I focus more on what’s accurate, sound, trustworthy, and virtuous so that God can keep His promise and guard my heart and mind with peace that surpasses understanding. God is faithful and just to perform His word.

Therefore, I’m going to live, rejoice, and be free while having fun in the meantime.