Dating Archives •

March 27, 2023March 27, 2023

Purity Culture

Purity culture is the idea that a person (mostly women) must stay pure (virgin-like) to receive a God-ordained marriage. The message of the culture was that all we had to do was pray and wait on the Lord and serve in the local church. Then, magically and at the right time, the Lord would reward us with marriage.

Heavy emphasis was placed on abstaining from sex before marriage. The problem with the purity message was how we glorified marriage and purity, not God. There was little to no teaching on preparing to be a wife. There was no instruction for men to be husbands and develop self-control. From my experience, most of the education focused on women waiting on and travailing in the Lord.

The Problem

Let me preface this by saying there is nothing wrong with waiting on the Lord. When you wait on the Lord, He will renew your strength. I am also not advocating for sex outside of marriage. The problem was the implication that all we had to do was serve our church and wait on the Lord. Dating was practically deemed morally wrong. Emphasis was put on finding The One (Which isn’t biblically based.) Women were told to remain abstinent, pure, and holy. Men were told to follow the Lord and learn how to lead. Isn’t it funny how the purity message wasn’t preached as much to men as it was to women? Not funny, ha-ha, but funny weird.

The idea of “The One” was pushed so hard that it created anxiety, fear, and avoidant dating practices. The children of God were told to view one another as brothers and sisters in Christ, which made it slightly more difficult to find a mate. Sex was demonized so much that some couples report not enjoying it within the confines of marriage. Purity culture was convincing. It told us exactly what to do and how to get what we wanted–marriage and sex. All we had to do was serve God, so it seemed simple. Yet, why are so many of us disillusioned and breaking away from it and God altogether?

Selfish Hearts

Because purity culture was a scam, and we all fell for it. Purity culture had us base our relationship with God on a certain outcome, marriage. We became disillusioned, confused, and justifiably angry when we didn’t get married or eventually got divorced. I believe that behind all the prayers and purity-minded services were hearts that didn’t truly want Yahweh. We wanted what God would give us, not a relationship with Him. Purity messages were a convenient way to get people in the pews, especially women. Purity culture produced broken and angry people who are single or are in disastrous marriages. Granted, some marriages birthed out of purity culture are thriving, but we all can see the fallout of serving Yahweh selfishly.

The worst part is people are now mad at Yahweh. They are separating themselves from Him because of broken promises, yet those promises weren’t from Him; they were from the people who claimed to know Him. I acknowledge that it is a very tight line to walk. On one hand, there is a generation of people who wanted marriage and to please Yahweh. On the other hand, there are people who, although probably well-intentioned, took advantage of people desperately seeking answers, healing, and community.

Healing

The best part is that those answers, healing, and community are still available. They may not come in the package that we once thought they would, but they are there for those still seeking them. Now that we are older and wiser, it’s time to take back our autonomy. Yahweh is still the same gracious, kind, and loving God. For those who still desire marriage, there are plenty of men and women desiring the same marriage you do. For those who are hurt and broken, peace and comfort are available to you. To those who have may have left the faith, I pray you found what you were looking for. If not, Yahweh will always welcome you back with open arms, as He has done with all of us.

September 21, 2022September 21, 2022

Accidental Date

I went on a date by accident. What I thought was an innocent lunch between long-time friends ended up being a date. Let’s start at the beginning.

The Beginning

I have always wholeheartedly believed men and women could be friends. So, when I met this gentleman in 2014, we became fast friends. We talked on the phone and texted regularly. There were no romantic sparks, just genuine interest in one another’s lives. We met at church and hung out from time to time. Every time we talked, I laughed because our conversations were hilarious. We talked about everything from God to careers to our love lives. I enjoyed our friendship.

The Accidental Date

Due to the pandemic and life, we hadn’t seen each other in a while. So one day, my friend suggested we meet up for lunch. I agreed to lunch because we always have fun together. So, the day of the lunch comes, and I’m 1.5 hours late. I was dogsitting and lost track of time. When I looked at my phone, I had many missed calls and texts from him. I called and apologized and told him I’d be there in 5 minutes. (Which is 15 minutes.)

I arrived and didn’t initially see him, so I walked to the restaurant’s entrance. I got distracted by a loudspeaker announcing the going-out-business sale of a nearby store. As I was listening and wondering if I should visit the store after lunch, I saw a man with flowers standing by the entrance. I absent-mindedly thought that was sweet. He is probably surprising his girlfriend. When I got closer, I realized that the guy was my friend.

Surprise! Date by Accident

Confusion covered my face. I wondered if someone else was joining us and why my friend had waited to give the flowers to her since I was so late. Then he handed the flowers to me. I was shocked. I had no idea what to do or say. I’m sure my face showed what I thought because he asked me if I was okay. I finally came to my senses and muttered, “Yes, thank you.” Then we walked into the restaurant. The hostess sat us, and I quickly put the flowers onto a chair and shoved the chair under the table. I didn’t want to look at or even acknowledge them.

I pretended that everything was normal. We laughed, and we had a good time. I thought I had been successful in my attempt to avoid the flowers. Then, the manager asked if it was my birthday, pointing at the flowers. I could no longer ignore the flowers or my beaming friend. He was smiling so wide; that I wanted to go home. I politely told the manager no and decided to talk with my friend.

The Talk

I asked about the flowers. I could have been tactful, but it annoyed me. My friend said, “This is what you do on a date.” I was in disbelief. I asked why did he think this was a date. Then he confessed his feelings for me. I was so disappointed, and he could tell. I told him I did not have a romantic interest in him. I looked at him like a little brother. I considered it for two seconds, but I could not imagine him kissing me. So, that was that. We left and said we would still be friends, but I haven’t heard from him.

Friends

I couldn’t figure out why I was disappointed that my friend wanted to date me. After a lot of thought and prayer, I figured it out. It hurt to know he was never my friend, laying in wait until he thought I was available. When he produced the flowers, I knew I would lose a friend. I still believe men and women can be friends. Maybe we will be friends again. In the meantime, I’ll value the friendships I have even more.

Thanks for joining me on this journey,

Kim

May 16, 2022May 16, 2022

Going Outside

I went from having two dates per week to having only three dates this year. Why the sudden change? Well, I had a “boo-thang” and wanted to be in a real relationship. He tried to keep it as is. So, I pursued what I wanted. Deciding to leave hurt me, but I didn’t realize how much. I tried to date, but I wasn’t up to it. So, I gave dating a little break. Now I feel fully ready to jump back into the dating pool but with some changes. I’m going outside!

Online Dating

Online dating was my jam! I was flirty and fun and had a wonderful experience or a great learning lesson with every man I met. I created a profile that I felt best showed who I was and why someone should swipe on me. This time around, however, I felt like I needed to do something different. I do not want to rely on online dating to meet men solely. So, I’m going outside!

Going Outside

The thing about meeting men outside is that I have to go out to do it. That’s probably why I excelled at online dating. I didn’t have to go outside. The most I had to do was swipe and respond to messages. That low effort allowed me to date. Do not get me wrong. I still had to be intentional and get in the mindset to attract and meet men, even online—intention matters.

So, I asked myself, what would my ideal man be doing on a Saturday afternoon? What do I want to do on a Saturday afternoon? Do I like to volunteer? Do I want to lay back and chill while drinking a frappuccino? The answer is yes to both. The next step is to go out and do those things. Yet, why do I find myself at home night after night? Am I ready for what I say I want? Do I believe that this is indeed possible for me? Can I put in the effort needed to achieve the goal I want?

Becoming

Going outside is just the first step. Logically one would think that it would be easy. Go to events and talk to men. Be open, smile a lot, and make men believe that you are interested and interesting. My friends and I had this quote we chanted to ourselves before going out. We would look at each other and say, “ Stop, Stare, Speak,” about attracting men. Then we would go out and do it. It actually worked!

It took me so long to recognize when men were flirting with me, and sometimes, I still think I’m that same confused girl. Though I’m not where I want to be, I must give credit to the woman I am becoming. I am more supportive; am I genuinely happy with my life and where it’s going. I have people around me who love and encourage me. I am creating the life I’ve always dreamed of.

Time to Go Outside

While I took this break, from dating, I made sure that my heart was in a good and healthy place to receive the love I deserve. This time around feels different. I’m sure of what I want and who I am. I know what I need to work on, and I’m putting in the work to improve. I’m looking for someone on the same journey. So, here’s to going out and meeting the man God has for me.

Be sure to check out https://kimmcauley.com/dusty-man-trap/.

March 14, 2022March 14, 2022

Dusty Man Trap

Overall, dating has been fun and exciting. I have met some great guys and some dusty crusties. But recently, I fell into a dusty man trap. I usually don’t dwell too much on unpleasant experiences, but sometimes it’s necessary. Here’s how I fell into a dusty-man trap.

I always protect the innocent, so I’ll call this guy Gary. Sorry to anyone named Gary. It’s not personal. I have five things a guy must meet before I decide to go on a date with him.

Christian
Have a job
Have a car
Have his own place to stay
No more than 1 child, but preferably none

How it Started

I mentioned those criteria because I went out on two dates with a guy who didn’t meet any of them unbeknownst to me. He was a dusty man. Let’s start at the beginning. I met Gary back in the early part of the year. We messaged and talked for a few weeks, but for whatever reason, we stopped talking. I don’t remember why we stopped; I remember that we did.

Then summer hits, and I get a text from an unknown number. I respond out of curiosity. It’s Gary! We chat for a while and decide to go out. I asked why we initially stopped talking during this chatting, and he changed the subject. Looking back, that should have been my first red flag.

We had trouble finding the time to go out because I’m a busy woman. I don’t cancel the plans I already made for a date. So we talked for about two weeks before we met up. During this time, I asked all the questions to make sure he met my first date criteria. He lied, but I had no way of knowing at the time.

The Meetup

A couple of days before we are supposed to go out, he calls and says he has to see me. I said we’re supposed to go out soon, can’t you wait? He said no, he had to see me right away. This is Sunday morning, and I’m getting ready for church. I didn’t have time for a meet and greet. He kept calling and texting until I finally agreed to meet him. This should have been my second red flag.

I get ready fast and meet him at an agreed-upon location near my church. I thought this would be an excellent opportunity to invite him to the church I’m always talking about. It’s late June or early July, but it’s super hot either way. The air in my car isn’t working that well, so I’m sitting there sweating. Here comes Gary rolling up. He hops out of the vehicle in the most unflattering outfit I’ve ever seen. He had on a shirt with holes, basketball shorts, socks that didn’t entirely cover his ashy feet, and slides.

Disappointment

At this point, I’m thinking to myself, you just had to see me, and this is how you look? I’m super annoyed. He gets out of the car and saunters over like he is God’s gift to women. I purse my lips in preparation for nonsense to come out of his mouth. And it did. He starts talking about how he couldn’t wait until our date to see me.

He’s licking his crusty lips every five seconds. I was so distracted by his appearance I don’t remember what he said except that it could have waited until our date. I don’t say anything because I’m hot and annoyed. Plus, he looked dusty. I let him talk for about 5 minutes, then said I needed to leave. At this point, I’m devising a plan in my head on how to let him down quickly. But it didn’t go exactly as planned.

Falling Into the Trap

The next day I called him. We’re keeping it light at first, talking about everything and nothing. Then I hit him with I the I’m not romantically interested, and I think we should be friends. He says cool, but he would still like to hang out. I have no idea why, but I agree. This is how I fell into the dusty-man trap. As the week progresses, he calls me and says his car is in the shop and he lost his debit card. It sounds suspicious, but I say okay, do you want to hang out another time? He says no, he wants to see me again.

We go out, and he meets me at the location. I have no idea how he got there. We have an okay time. He pays for the date with a wad of cash. At this point, I’m determined to break things off. Then he asks me for a ride home. I give him one, and I am fussing at myself for going out with this dusty, crusty man on my way back to my house. Mind you; he didn’t dress any better for our date.

The more we talk, the more I find out about him. He doesn’t have a job. He also doesn’t have a stable place to live. He goes in-between family members’ houses. There’s nothing wrong with this. I get that people go through hard times, but why lie about it and try to date on top of that?

Lessons Learned

But I ended up going out with him again. Please don’t ask me why. Perhaps I needed to learn a lesson about smooth-talking dusty men. Maybe I thought I could help. In the end, I realized that I’m not the type of woman that can date potential. I need to see some actual results. I need to see your plan taking shape. I’m not asking any man to be at the final place, but I need to see steps taken in that direction.

I also learned not to be so hard on myself. I should not have gone out with Gary. There were a lot of red flags that I ignored because he had nice pictures online. Those pictures didn’t match reality, by the way. I serve a forgiving God who said there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. If I’m in Christ, which I am, why should I condemn and be so hard on myself? I had to forgive myself for being foolish, believing lies, and falling into a dusty-man trap. I survived, though. Now, I will pay attention to red flags.

I had to go back to God and find out what I want. I won’t be making a dusty man mistake again. I can move forward with the knowledge that God wants me to be happy and that I will be. Still out here dating, but I’m taking my time. Vetting men a little more than I used to. I’m grateful for the experience. Glad to know that God’s got me even when I mess up.

Thanks for joining me on my journey!

Kim

Broken Heart

I know the pain of a broken heart: the despair, the brokenness, and feelings of helplessness and loneliness. I’ve cried those same tears. I’ve felt there was no one to turn to, no one who could understand what I felt. Yet, there is hope! You will heal from a broken heart.

Broken Heart

Healing from a broken heart requires you first to process the pain. Processing the pain looks different for everyone. Some people cry others shout, and some go to therapy. In my case, it was all three combined. Whatever you do, please don’t hold it in. Someone or something broke your heart, and it hurts. Don’t suffer in silence. Don’t allow your feelings to control you. Let the pain out. Psalm 34:17 says, “The Lord hears His people when they call to Him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles.” The Lord hears you when you cry out, so cry out. No one can listen to what you keep hidden inside. Once you cry out to Him, he will hear you and rescue you from your troubles.

Let It Go

Once you’ve processed the pain and cried out, stop replaying the hurt over and over in your mind. Stop thinking about all the ways you could have avoided it or things you should have done. It won’t ease the hurt. It only makes things worse because you keep reliving the pain. I know it’s going to be hard, but try not to think about it. You have to let it go. Let it go by keeping your mind fixed on God.

Isaiah 26:3 says, “God will keep you in perfect peace when you fix your thoughts on Him.” You can keep your thoughts fixed on Him by thinking about what is true, honorable, right, pure, excellent, and worthy of praise (Philippians 4:8). If you find yourself thinking about the hurt, stop and redirect your thoughts to God and more pleasurable things. In time you will find that you are in His perfect peace and on your way to having a healed heart.

Forgive

In that peaceful place, you’ll find it easier to forgive. Why should you forgive someone who hurt you so deeply? Why should you forgive someone who knew you, loved you, and still hurt you? Should you forgive someone who doesn’t even deserve forgiveness? It doesn’t seem fair. I struggled with this the most. It feels like someone should pay for the pain they inflicted. Someone should hurt, just like you are hurting. The thing is, though, it’s never quite satisfying to hurt someone else just because you’re hurt. It doesn’t erase your pain. You may feel vindicated, but what does that feeling do? It just adds more hurt to the world.

Compassion

In order to forgive, you have to do so from a place of compassion and mercy. You cannot forgive in your own strength. You have to rely on God to give you the grace to forgive. Why does God continually forgive us when we constantly hurt Him? When we intentionally disobey Him? He forgives us because He is full of grace and mercy and expects us to extend that same grace and mercy to others. Colossians 3:13 says, “make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive anyone who offends you.

Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” We are commanded to forgive as we’ve been forgiven. To forgive, I had to remember that God forgave me when I didn’t deserve it, and He did the same for me. Consider how God has forgiven you. Think about all that you have done and how much mercy God has shown you. Ask the Holy Spirit into your heart so that you can rely on Him for the understanding and compassion needed to forgive someone. Forgiveness will lead to healing. Healing and wholeness are God’s desires for you. Psalm 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.”

Hope

Healing is a process, and there is no timeframe for it. It may take some people a week and take others years. Although dealing with and healing from pain isn’t easy, you will survive. I did, as have so many others. You are still living and breathing and making it through. You may have been knocked down, but it did not destroy you. There is a joy that is coming that you cannot believe. Not only will you survive, but you will also be happy, whole, and wholly healed. You will love again, and it will be all that God has promised. He hasn’t failed you yet, and He never will.

October 11, 2021October 12, 2021

Love: Courtship and Dating

Here we discuss faith, fitness, finances, fun love today. I want to talk about love, or more explicitly, dating and courting.

Story Time

So, I had a boyfriend for five years, and after that, I did not date for six years. Then I dated heavily for 2.5 years. It was fun & I was not dating seriously. It taught me a lot about what I wanted & what I did not want. So that brings us to this year. Around March of this year, I hired a dating coach for high-value women of faith. This course lasted 12 weeks, and while the intention was to be found by the love of my life, the result was me falling more in love with God & myself. I found a community of like-minded women who are on the same mission & got the same result. Because my mindset has changed, I know what I want is possible.

Lesson Learned

I also learned how to communicate what I want. I have the vision and can make it plain. Since joining this group for the first time, I have been able to envision myself getting married. Not just the dress or the wedding venue, but I can see myself as a bride and a wife. Before, I could see myself in the beautiful white dress surrounded by friends and family. I could see the gorgeous venue and all of the beautiful flowers and other decorations, but I could not see myself living life as a wife. I know it sounds crazy.

Make it Plain

Marriage is something that most Christian women aspire to be, at least the ones I know. We’re taught that this is what we should want, a beautiful wedding, beautiful marriage, and beautiful kids. What we weren’t taught is how to get that. We’re not taught how to envision that life and go after it. So now, I can see my regular, every life as a wife. I can see myself waking up beside my husband and how our lives will look. I can see us celebrating our joy.

That’s all due to the mindset shift, instead of focusing on the man and the marriage. I am focusing on myself and making my life as complete as possible. No one wants a person who is just existing. I know I don’t. I want someone compatible with me.

Mindset Shift

Now that I love myself, even more, I’m going to make sure I honor God and my desires in every decision I make, especially the person I choose to marry. Emphasis on choice. I’m willing to wait to get what I want, whoever God has for me. I abandoned the thought that there weren’t any good men left. There are plenty of good men who want to be with me. All I have to do is use my God-given discernment to choose the right one for me. I meet good men all the time. If that’s not your experience, ask yourself why? I know what I want, and I’m willing to trust God with the next steps.

Bottom line, fall in love with yourself, disabuse yourself of the notion that dating is too much or little of anything, and allow God to work. I promise He will blow your mind.

We are attracting and manifesting over here. So keep being free and living in joy! Please don’t forget to share, like, and subscribe! See you next time! Love, Kim

My Updated Plan

Last year my plan was not to be single by Valentine’s Day 2021. Enter a global pandemic, my parents and sister suffering from COVID-19, losing a job, getting another job, weight gain and loss, and just the trial of life in general. With all of that happening, no one would blame me for taking time off from dating. After all, there are so many reasons not to date.

However, I still viewed this as a time to go after what I wanted, although I had to be more creative in doing it. So, here’s the big question: did I meet my goal?

Goal Met?

Not exactly, but I’m close. Allow me to explain. My goal was not to be single. So, yes, I’m single, but I did have Valentine’s Day date. See, not exactly the goal, but it’s definitely progress! I’m still committed to working out this plan. This plan covers many areas of my life, and while it’s not just relationship-specific, it has allowed me to accomplish goals in my life.

I view it like this; I’m doing my best and allowing God to do the rest. I’m fully aware that there are things outside of my control. There certainly are areas where I can improve. I do not have it all together. But with God’s help and wisdom, I know I will accomplish fantastic things. I know His plan will manifest in the earth. So, no, my timeline didn’t exactly work out, but my goal is still in full effect.

New Plan

So, what’s my new updated plan? To continue rotationally dating multiple men and enjoying myself. My goal isn’t just marriage now. My goal is also to adopt a new mindset and enjoy the journey instead of anticipating the destination. This time, I’m going to pray and allow God to lead me. While I did pray last year, it was more of an afterthought than allowing His Holy Spirit to lead. My plan now includes being excited about the possibilities and not afraid of the outcome.

I’m letting go of the rigidity and timeline of my plan and allow God to intervene as He sees fit. Basically, I’m submitting to His will. I haven’t totally abandoned my plan. I adjusted it to be in line with God’s will. I highly suggest allowing God to have His way. It will blow your mind every time. So, in all things, be led by the Holy Spirit and enjoy the journey. We are complete humans with so many experiences—no need to wait on the next stage to start enjoying it.

Thanks for joining me on this journey through singleness,

Kim

Recommended Resources

My Updated Plan

January 8, 2021January 8, 2021

Intentional Wholeness

Intentional wholeness is my guiding phrase for the year 2021. This phrase means I am seeking restoration, health, wellness, and a sound mind on purpose. Things like restoration do not happen by accident. It takes purposeful, intentional action directed toward a specific goal. This phrase also means that I want my whole life to be full, not just certain parts. So, I’ve decided to focus this year on five specific areas: faith, finances, fitness, fun, love.

Faith.

Faith is dealing with my relationship with God. I picked the word intentional because our God is intentional. He set the end before the beginning. He has a plan for each of us, a plan to give us hope and not to harm us. So, if I want to be closer to Him, I have to develop a plan. My plan starts with fasting, prayer, and bible study. At the end of the year, I want to say that I heard from God and am on the path He set out for me long ago. I want to filter everything through Him. To ensure that I keep Jesus first and become intentionally whole, I declare over myself every day that I intentionally pursue a closer relationship with God through prayer, fasting, meditation, and bible study. Then I take the first 15 minutes of my day to pray and meditate.

Finances.

God said that we should owe man nothing but love. Unfortunately, as of right now I owe man some money too. So, part of my intentional wholeness goal is to get my finances in order. I want to be a good steward of what God has blessed me with. To do that I need to get out of debt. Knowing that I owe money to other people is draining.

There are things I cannot do because that money is already earmarked for debt repayment. I want to regain financial independence. I also want to invest, save, and make more money. At the end of the year, I want to have a fully-funded emergency fund and be deep into the debt repayment process. To aid me in accomplishing this goal, I declare that I am a good steward of finances that God has blessed me with. I know what to do with money and operate in abundance.

Fitness.

This quite frankly, is what I’m dreading most. I know the benefits of health and what fitness brings. I intend to live a long and prosperous life. So, I must get in shape not only for my benefit but for the benefit of any future children, I may have. My legacy depends on my being well. Living out the plans God has for me depends on my health and wellness. This doesn’t mean just physically either. Mental health is important as well. At the end of the year, I want to be quite a few pounds lighter and be able to claim the peace and rest of God every day. My fitness affirmation is my mind and body are getting stronger and healthier every day.

Fun.

This one is simple. I plan to have more fun in 2021. Being an adult, working, and paying bills isn’t fun. I want to spend more time with friends. I want to dance around my house without care. Plain and simple fun, without worrying about what else I have to do. This may take some time and a mindset shift, but I’m up for the challenge.

Love.

I’m not just talking about romantic love. If I’m looking at the whole of my life, then love persists in every relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I desire to meet my husband, but I want to be a loving person in general. I want to exude love in every interaction I have with another human being. That has not always been the case. My affirmation is I am loved by Christ. I will exhibit His love today. What goals and intentions are you setting for 2021?

Thanks for joining me on this journey through singleness!

Kim

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