Category: Faith

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Purity Culture

Purity Culture
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Purity culture is the idea that a person (mostly women) must stay pure (virgin-like) to receive a God-ordained marriage. The message of the culture was that all we had to do was pray and wait on the Lord and serve in the local church. Then, magically and at the right time, the Lord would reward us with marriage.

Heavy emphasis was placed on abstaining from sex before marriage. The problem with the purity message was how we glorified marriage and purity, not God. There was little to no teaching on preparing to be a wife. There was no instruction for men to be husbands and develop self-control. From my experience, most of the education focused on women waiting on and travailing in the Lord.

The Problem

Let me preface this by saying there is nothing wrong with waiting on the Lord. When you wait on the Lord, He will renew your strength. I am also not advocating for sex outside of marriage. The problem was the implication that all we had to do was serve our church and wait on the Lord. Dating was practically deemed morally wrong. Emphasis was put on finding The One (Which isn’t biblically based.) Women were told to remain abstinent, pure, and holy. Men were told to follow the Lord and learn how to lead. Isn’t it funny how the purity message wasn’t preached as much to men as it was to women? Not funny, ha-ha, but funny weird.

The idea of “The One” was pushed so hard that it created anxiety, fear, and avoidant dating practices. The children of God were told to view one another as brothers and sisters in Christ, which made it slightly more difficult to find a mate. Sex was demonized so much that some couples report not enjoying it within the confines of marriage. Purity culture was convincing. It told us exactly what to do and how to get what we wanted–marriage and sex. All we had to do was serve God, so it seemed simple. Yet, why are so many of us disillusioned and breaking away from it and God altogether?

Selfish Hearts

Because purity culture was a scam, and we all fell for it. Purity culture had us base our relationship with God on a certain outcome, marriage. We became disillusioned, confused, and justifiably angry when we didn’t get married or eventually got divorced. I believe that behind all the prayers and purity-minded services were hearts that didn’t truly want Yahweh. We wanted what God would give us, not a relationship with Him. Purity messages were a convenient way to get people in the pews, especially women. Purity culture produced broken and angry people who are single or are in disastrous marriages. Granted, some marriages birthed out of purity culture are thriving, but we all can see the fallout of serving Yahweh selfishly.

The worst part is people are now mad at Yahweh. They are separating themselves from Him because of broken promises, yet those promises weren’t from Him; they were from the people who claimed to know Him. I acknowledge that it is a very tight line to walk. On one hand, there is a generation of people who wanted marriage and to please Yahweh. On the other hand, there are people who, although probably well-intentioned, took advantage of people desperately seeking answers, healing, and community.

Healing

The best part is that those answers, healing, and community are still available. They may not come in the package that we once thought they would, but they are there for those still seeking them. Now that we are older and wiser, it’s time to take back our autonomy. Yahweh is still the same gracious, kind, and loving God. For those who still desire marriage, there are plenty of men and women desiring the same marriage you do. For those who are hurt and broken, peace and comfort are available to you. To those who have may have left the faith, I pray you found what you were looking for. If not, Yahweh will always welcome you back with open arms, as He has done with all of us.

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Discipline and Legacy

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As of late, I live at the intersection of legacy and discipline. The older I get, the more I think about getting my affairs in order and the legacy I want to leave behind. Of course, I want to leave money and houses, but I also want to leave something more precious. I want to leave a legacy that will impact this generation and those to come; one of righteous living. 

Those who came before me left indelible marks and undeniable impressions. For me, the natural question is what will my future grandkids say about me? Who will they say I am? Will they know me as kind and compassionate? Or will they only know me from the money and houses I left to them? While I plan to do both, I prefer more of the former. I want to be known for leaving people in a place better than I found them. This leaves me to wonder, is my life a reflection of that now?

My Legacy

Should I leave this earth right now, could I honestly say that I lived so righteously that I influenced other people to come to Christ? Can I say that I followed Christ to the best of my ability in every instance? When I have children will they look at me like I look at my father– someone whose life has constantly displayed and proven the goodness of Yahweh?

In every trial, illness, and upset, I remember my father sitting us all down and speaking about the goodness of the Lord. I remember him leading us in prayer as a family. I remember him insisting I pay tithes and telling me the reasons why. This is how I want to be remembered. This is the legacy I want to leave—a testament to the goodness of our Father.

Discipline

So, as I look at my life right now I cannot honestly say that’s the total legacy I want to leave. Perhaps I have impacted some and given hope to others. But I now need discipline and intentionality to really live full out for God. Fortunately, God hasn’t called me home yet and there is still time to get it right. I can still leave the legacy I want to. I must remember that God has given me the self-discipline to do it. He has and will provide me with spiritual wisdom to achieve a life that proves His goodness. Through His Son, Yeshua, I know that nothing is impossible for me if I just believe and declare it. 

From this day forward, I declare by the power Yahweh gave me through Yeshua that these mountains must move. I have the power, love, and discipline to leave an inheritance, a legacy that will benefit this generation and those to come. I will live a life that influences people to seek Christ for themselves. All I have to do is pray, listen, and then obey. 

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline.

2 Timothy 1:7 (NIV)

He answered, “Because of your little faith (your lack of trust and confidence in the power of God); for I assure you and most solemnly say to you if you have (living) faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and (if it’s God’s will) it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.”

Matthew 17:20 AMP
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The Power Within

So we all know the story about the prodigal son. The scripture where the son demands his inheritance and goes off and squanders it then returns home. The moral of the story is that no matter how far you wander away from home, God will always be there to welcome you back with open arms. Usually, when you hear that parable, it focuses on the prodigal son. Other times the focus is the elder son who stayed. His reaction of anger and resentment is treated as a precautionary tale of what not to do. I don’t often hear the perspective that while the elder son was resentful and angry, the father still offered him grace and comfort. The father tells the elder child, “…Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours.” That’s the power within.

Blessings

The loyal, faithful, and obedient son always had access to the inheritance. Even while rejoicing over the prodigal son’s return, the father ran out to comfort and advised the elder son. The elder son had proximity, access, and his father’s ear. How often do we focus on someone else’s blessing when we had access to our Father the entire time? The loyal and obedient children are always in the presence of the Father. Why should those so near to God take it for granted by looking at another’s blessing?

Full Access

God has placed within us a power that we have access to all of the time. While comforting the elder son, the father says, “all that is mine is yours.” How often do we take our unlimited access to God and His kingdom for granted? All that is His is Ours. Lately, I’ve been feeling like the eldest child. I’m watching everybody else get to celebrate and bask in their blessings. While I don’t begrudge anyone their just deserts, I feel a little left out. 

Which is what I imagine the elder son felt as well. Here I am in the field, working and being obedient. I watch from afar as others get celebrated and blessed, wondering when it will be my turn—forgetting that my Father is right there. I can go and talk to Him at any point in time. 

The Power Within

All I had to do was ask, and it would be given to me because He is close to me. As a matter of fact, even when I was disobedient and willfully rebellious, He still celebrated me and called me back to Him.  And I still had access to His entire kingdom to His full divinity when I returned. It seems a bit silly now. I have God, the Creator, near me, willing to comfort me, and I’m too concerned about when my blessing will come. He is always with me, including his peace, power, and might. 

Rejoice

God’s power resides within me through his Holy Spirit. What shall I fear? Of whom do I have to be afraid? He is near; He inclines His ear to me. He is concerned about me. And it is through that invested power within; He can do exceedingly abundantly above anything I can ask or think. It’s all because of the power within. So, we have God and His power near and in us with any obstacle, challenge, or situation we face. Remember, no matter where we are, we have full access once we come to Him. We are His, and He is ours. Let’s use that power within to edify, support, and love. Our time is coming, and it’ll be sooner than we think.

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Financially Whole

Here we discuss five aspects of life that make the whole person—faith, fitness, finances, fun, and of course, love. Today I want to discuss being financially whole and what that looks like.

Of course, we’re going to start with a mini storytime. I started my financial wholeness journey in 2015. I took Dave Ramsey’s class, financial peace. The course taught me how to budget and take control of my expenses. During the next four years, I paid off all of my credit cards, paid off my car, and started saving towards a house by moving in with my parents. Now, I understand some of this is a privilege. Not everyone has parents that will allow them to live rent-free while pursuing their financial goals. So, I’m incredibly grateful to my parents for giving me that chance to change my life and the lives of future generations.

Debt Freedom

In September of 2019, I bought my townhouse and immediately got into more credit card debt. I used most of my money for the house and down payment. It’s incredibly expensive to purchase a house. I was using more gas looking at houses, I had to pay for inspections and all sorts of fees I did not calculate into my budget, but by the grace of God, I was able to purchase my home and furnish it.

Then in March of 2020, I lost my job. Yes, at the start of the pandemic and about six months after purchasing a home. Thankfully, I was able to start a career with a higher salary in April. But I was scarred from losing my job and elected to stack my money and take the option to defer my mortgage while the pandemic persisted. After six months of not paying my mortgage, I was able to pay off my credit cards and fund my 6-month emergency fund. Now, was that a wise decision? I think so right now, but those payments moved to the end of my mortgage term so that I may be singing a different tune later. This pandemic and the sudden loss of so many people shifted my goal from financial freedom to financial wholeness. So, what does being financially whole mean?

Financially Whole

Well, financial freedom is not owing anyone and having complete control of all of my money. However, when I saw all of these people dying without life insurance, losing jobs with no savings, and unable to afford necessities without assistance, I decided to be financially whole. While it includes debt freedom, it also promotes savings account for emergencies, life insurance, a will, and health care directives, so my relatives know my wishes upon death and retirement investments.

All of this is important, especially for single folks. Because we are the only ones who have control over our affairs, we need to have contingencies in place, so should we perish, our families and friends won’t be scrambling to put together a Go Fund Me account. I want to take as much stress off of my family as possible. Letting them know what I want ahead of time will help ease the burden. I know this is not people’s favorite topic. But if the pandemic hasn’t taught us anything else, it’s that life is precious and tomorrow is not guaranteed. Young and old are leaving this earth every day, and we need to be prepared. It’s time to get our financial houses in order.

Uncomfortable Conversations

So, I got the term financially whole from Tiffany Aliche, the budgetnista. She explains it very well, so I encourage you to follow her as well. There is no reason why we can’t be financially whole. It’s an uncomfortable conversation, but how much stress and pain can we save if we have this conversation now? To all my people out there, especially my melanated brothers and sisters, get that will, life insurance, and health care directives now. You can continually update them if you change your mind. Find out how to avoid the probate process. We are a generation of entrepreneurs and wealth generators. We need to plan to pass that to the next generation so they can reap the full benefit.

In future posts, I’ll break down each aspect of financial wholeness and how to achieve it. Research the things I talked about, including debt freedom, and begin investing in your future. I love yall for real! Thank you for joining me for another post of Living Free Joyfully, and make sure to share, like, and subscribe!

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Unexpected Reality

Then they rose early in the morning and worshiped before the Lord and returned and came to their house at Ramah. And Elkanah knew Hannah, his wife, and the Lord remembered her. 1 Samuel 1:19

So, here I am—a 35-year-old single, childless woman. I am not working the job I want and just kind of generally feeling like I’m living below the promises of God.

I’m trying to be grateful and see all the beautiful things that I have in my life. I have wonderfully supportive friends and family who genuinely love me. I have a job that provides more than I need, a lovely home, and hobbies that I genuinely enjoy. I’m even dating, which has proved to be an enjoyable and educational experience.

Yet, I feel a void when I think about this unexpected reality. I desire marriage, kids, and a family of my own. I’m approaching the get-up and go in peace place like Hannah. I’m no longer in the weeping year after year phase. THat weeping and anguish got old quickly.

I also feel like going in peace is a little like letting go. It feels like I’m giving up on a dream. If I surrender and say, God, if you do, I’m good, but God, even if you don’t, I’m still good. Sometimes this feels like I’m burying my desires and dreams to accept life as is.

The thing is, I know in my mind this isn’t true. In my mind, the path forward is God’s will, and I’m possibly even delaying His will for me by not fully surrendering. However, it’s proven challenging to let go and let God. How do I submit and be OK with whatever the outcome is and still pray for my desires simultaneously?

All I know to do is go to God and be honest. I have to tell Him how I feel and then not worry. Remember to look at how much He has already blessed me. Then pray some more until I hear from Him. I genuinely do want to lay this burden down. I do want to get up from prayer and walk in peace. I want to praise God whatever the outcome genuinely. I declare that joy will be my portion, and I’ll be thankful in all things.

So, it’s kind of two-fold; my unexpected reality is that I’m single with no kids, and I’m trying to put that at God’s feet. But, it’s not as consuming as it used to be. Now, I focus more on what’s accurate, sound, trustworthy, and virtuous so that God can keep His promise and guard my heart and mind with peace that surpasses understanding. God is faithful and just to perform His word.

Therefore, I’m going to live, rejoice, and be free while having fun in the meantime.

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Intentional Wholeness

Intentional Wholeness

Intentional wholeness is my guiding phrase for the year 2021. This phrase means I am seeking restoration, health, wellness, and a sound mind on purpose. Things like restoration do not happen by accident. It takes purposeful, intentional action directed toward a specific goal. This phrase also means that I want my whole life to be full, not just certain parts. So, I’ve decided to focus this year on five specific areas: faith, finances, fitness, fun, love.

Faith.

Faith is dealing with my relationship with God. I picked the word intentional because our God is intentional. He set the end before the beginning. He has a plan for each of us, a plan to give us hope and not to harm us. So, if I want to be closer to Him, I have to develop a plan. My plan starts with fasting, prayer, and bible study. At the end of the year, I want to say that I heard from God and am on the path He set out for me long ago. I want to filter everything through Him. To ensure that I keep Jesus first and become intentionally whole, I declare over myself every day that I intentionally pursue a closer relationship with God through prayer, fasting, meditation, and bible study. Then I take the first 15 minutes of my day to pray and meditate.

Finances.

God said that we should owe man nothing but love. Unfortunately, as of right now I owe man some money too. So, part of my intentional wholeness goal is to get my finances in order. I want to be a good steward of what God has blessed me with. To do that I need to get out of debt. Knowing that I owe money to other people is draining.

There are things I cannot do because that money is already earmarked for debt repayment. I want to regain financial independence. I also want to invest, save, and make more money. At the end of the year, I want to have a fully-funded emergency fund and be deep into the debt repayment process. To aid me in accomplishing this goal, I declare that I am a good steward of finances that God has blessed me with. I know what to do with money and operate in abundance.

Fitness.

This quite frankly, is what I’m dreading most. I know the benefits of health and what fitness brings. I intend to live a long and prosperous life. So, I must get in shape not only for my benefit but for the benefit of any future children, I may have. My legacy depends on my being well. Living out the plans God has for me depends on my health and wellness. This doesn’t mean just physically either. Mental health is important as well. At the end of the year, I want to be quite a few pounds lighter and be able to claim the peace and rest of God every day. My fitness affirmation is my mind and body are getting stronger and healthier every day.

Fun.

This one is simple. I plan to have more fun in 2021. Being an adult, working, and paying bills isn’t fun. I want to spend more time with friends. I want to dance around my house without care. Plain and simple fun, without worrying about what else I have to do. This may take some time and a mindset shift, but I’m up for the challenge.

Love.

I’m not just talking about romantic love. If I’m looking at the whole of my life, then love persists in every relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I desire to meet my husband, but I want to be a loving person in general. I want to exude love in every interaction I have with another human being. That has not always been the case. My affirmation is I am loved by Christ. I will exhibit His love today. What goals and intentions are you setting for 2021?

 

Thanks for joining me on this journey through singleness!

Kim

 

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