Gratitude Archives •

March 14, 2022March 14, 2022

Dusty Man Trap

Overall, dating has been fun and exciting. I have met some great guys and some dusty crusties. But recently, I fell into a dusty man trap. I usually don’t dwell too much on unpleasant experiences, but sometimes it’s necessary. Here’s how I fell into a dusty-man trap.

I always protect the innocent, so I’ll call this guy Gary. Sorry to anyone named Gary. It’s not personal. I have five things a guy must meet before I decide to go on a date with him.

Christian
Have a job
Have a car
Have his own place to stay
No more than 1 child, but preferably none

How it Started

I mentioned those criteria because I went out on two dates with a guy who didn’t meet any of them unbeknownst to me. He was a dusty man. Let’s start at the beginning. I met Gary back in the early part of the year. We messaged and talked for a few weeks, but for whatever reason, we stopped talking. I don’t remember why we stopped; I remember that we did.

Then summer hits, and I get a text from an unknown number. I respond out of curiosity. It’s Gary! We chat for a while and decide to go out. I asked why we initially stopped talking during this chatting, and he changed the subject. Looking back, that should have been my first red flag.

We had trouble finding the time to go out because I’m a busy woman. I don’t cancel the plans I already made for a date. So we talked for about two weeks before we met up. During this time, I asked all the questions to make sure he met my first date criteria. He lied, but I had no way of knowing at the time.

The Meetup

A couple of days before we are supposed to go out, he calls and says he has to see me. I said we’re supposed to go out soon, can’t you wait? He said no, he had to see me right away. This is Sunday morning, and I’m getting ready for church. I didn’t have time for a meet and greet. He kept calling and texting until I finally agreed to meet him. This should have been my second red flag.

I get ready fast and meet him at an agreed-upon location near my church. I thought this would be an excellent opportunity to invite him to the church I’m always talking about. It’s late June or early July, but it’s super hot either way. The air in my car isn’t working that well, so I’m sitting there sweating. Here comes Gary rolling up. He hops out of the vehicle in the most unflattering outfit I’ve ever seen. He had on a shirt with holes, basketball shorts, socks that didn’t entirely cover his ashy feet, and slides.

Disappointment

At this point, I’m thinking to myself, you just had to see me, and this is how you look? I’m super annoyed. He gets out of the car and saunters over like he is God’s gift to women. I purse my lips in preparation for nonsense to come out of his mouth. And it did. He starts talking about how he couldn’t wait until our date to see me.

He’s licking his crusty lips every five seconds. I was so distracted by his appearance I don’t remember what he said except that it could have waited until our date. I don’t say anything because I’m hot and annoyed. Plus, he looked dusty. I let him talk for about 5 minutes, then said I needed to leave. At this point, I’m devising a plan in my head on how to let him down quickly. But it didn’t go exactly as planned.

Falling Into the Trap

The next day I called him. We’re keeping it light at first, talking about everything and nothing. Then I hit him with I the I’m not romantically interested, and I think we should be friends. He says cool, but he would still like to hang out. I have no idea why, but I agree. This is how I fell into the dusty-man trap. As the week progresses, he calls me and says his car is in the shop and he lost his debit card. It sounds suspicious, but I say okay, do you want to hang out another time? He says no, he wants to see me again.

We go out, and he meets me at the location. I have no idea how he got there. We have an okay time. He pays for the date with a wad of cash. At this point, I’m determined to break things off. Then he asks me for a ride home. I give him one, and I am fussing at myself for going out with this dusty, crusty man on my way back to my house. Mind you; he didn’t dress any better for our date.

The more we talk, the more I find out about him. He doesn’t have a job. He also doesn’t have a stable place to live. He goes in-between family members’ houses. There’s nothing wrong with this. I get that people go through hard times, but why lie about it and try to date on top of that?

Lessons Learned

But I ended up going out with him again. Please don’t ask me why. Perhaps I needed to learn a lesson about smooth-talking dusty men. Maybe I thought I could help. In the end, I realized that I’m not the type of woman that can date potential. I need to see some actual results. I need to see your plan taking shape. I’m not asking any man to be at the final place, but I need to see steps taken in that direction.

I also learned not to be so hard on myself. I should not have gone out with Gary. There were a lot of red flags that I ignored because he had nice pictures online. Those pictures didn’t match reality, by the way. I serve a forgiving God who said there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. If I’m in Christ, which I am, why should I condemn and be so hard on myself? I had to forgive myself for being foolish, believing lies, and falling into a dusty-man trap. I survived, though. Now, I will pay attention to red flags.

I had to go back to God and find out what I want. I won’t be making a dusty man mistake again. I can move forward with the knowledge that God wants me to be happy and that I will be. Still out here dating, but I’m taking my time. Vetting men a little more than I used to. I’m grateful for the experience. Glad to know that God’s got me even when I mess up.

Thanks for joining me on my journey!

Kim

Grateful

As Thanksgiving rolls around again, we often think about what we are grateful for. The answers are varied, but usually, we hear things like family, friends, and life. While I am definitely thankful for family and friends, I decided to be grateful for what I didn’t get this year.

Grateful for No Romantic Relationship

No, I’m not in a relationship. I still desire to be in one. I’m grateful for the almost-relationships. It feels like I’ve been dating people non-stop for three years now. Currently, I’m on a break. This break allowed me to realize I’m willing to fall in love. I was not willing to risk heartbreak before. I actually took a chance on love and failed. I failed beautifully, though. So, I’m grateful that I got to chance to learn, love, and laugh. I’m also grateful that I get the chance to do it again; with the right person this time.

Grateful for Unanswered Prayers

Unanswered prayers seem like a strange thing to be grateful for. Lessons in the art of patience were plentiful this year. Learning to praise Him in the silence is hard. The silence of unanswered prayers is deafening. It makes me focus on the lack instead of the plenty Yahweh has already blessed me with. The unanswered prayers made me look at all that I have. It made me look at the works that Yahweh did through my hands. I realized through the silence that I am a vessel, and there is more work to do. So, I’m grateful for the unanswered prayers because they allowed me to see how much I already have and who I am. Yes, I still want my prayers answered, even if the answer is no. In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy and be thankful for everything around me.

Grateful for Feeling Stagnant

This year, I felt stagnant. I felt like I wasn’t moving or going anywhere. It seemed as if I had reached all my potential. I’m thankful that is not the truth. I still have the power, strength, and potential to do great things. Greater is coming for me. It took that feeling of stagnancy to make me realize how much control I have over my life. If I want more and better, then I can work to get it. Nothing is stopping me from achieving my goals and Yahweh’s will for my life other than me. So, I’m grateful that I found the will to keep going and push myself. I’m grateful that I can see the future laid out for me, and I’m going to get it. Just watch and see.

Gratefulness

Being thankful is about showing appreciation for a thing or to someone. The truth is, I have a lot to be grateful for. So many positive lessons have come from what can be perceived as losses. Now, I would prefer to learn those lessons without pain, but it was necessary for me. From now on, I plan to focus on the beautiful life I have right now. Goodness surrounds me, and more is coming. What more could I be grateful for?

Thanks for joining me on the journey! Happy Thanksgiving!

Love, Kim.

November 15, 2021November 15, 2021

Healthy Boundaries

Establishing healthy boundaries is imperative to maintaining mental wellbeing. People need access to us, but how much access should we grant? When is being too available detrimental to our health? How do I set boundaries to protect my peace? How do I make sure I respect the boundaries other people have set? As a believer, how do I help without harming myself?

As I continue on my self-discovery and personal growth journey, these questions have come up repeatedly. There have been instances where I needed to establish a boundary and didn’t. The opposite is also true. I prayed and asked for wisdom on how to set limits while still exhibiting love.

Unhealthy Boundaries

At first, any and everyone had access to my whole self. No was not a part of my vocabulary. If someone needed help, I was there. When a friend or even a not-so-close associate called or texted at an inconvenient time, I answered or responded quickly. I held nothing back. I gave all of me and expected nothing in return. In theory, this sounds like a great human being. It sounds like I did more than my share for my fellow man. After all, isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Aren’t we supposed to serve and do what we can for those in need?

In reality, it left me exhausted and a little cold-hearted. I started to dread those calls, and resentment began to form in my heart. My cup was empty, yet I was still pouring from it. I was not taking any time for myself. Saying yes to them meant saying no to me. That way of life was not sustainable. So what did I do? I became rigid and selfish. It was all me all the time until God convicted my heart. That’s when I started asking all those questions above. How can I say yes to people and say yes to myself at the same time? His answer was to set healthy boundaries and start using the word no.

Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships.
therapistaid.com

I must bear the burdens of another, but I must also keep a watchful eye on myself so that I won’t call it quits as well. Ok, so how do I do that? What rules do I need to set and enforce to serve others and maintain my mental and physical health? The first step was to admit that I was not a superhero. I cannot be all things to all people. Pride caused me always to try and help because I wanted to be the one people called on. It made me feel good. My pride and ego had to go. Though it was a tough pill to swallow, I’m glad that I saw my role in it and had the opportunity to correct it.

The next step was only saying yes to those who genuinely asked for help. By doing this, I wasn’t out all times of day and night just because someone asked. I started looking for resources outside of myself that could help them. If they chose to avail themselves of those resources great, if not, I questioned if they really needed help or just wanted me to do the work for them.

Enforcing Healthy Boundaries

Naturally, the next step was saying no. Saying no was hard. I’m a recovering people-pleaser, and I was still dealing with my pride issue. So, saying no took effort, intentionality, and time. Saying no is the way to enforce the boundaries I set. I had to start valuing my own opinion. What I feel and how it impacts me is essential. I gave myself permission to feel and examine whether those emotions were valid. Enforcing my boundaries helped me to do that. Now I can serve in a way that was not available to me before. I can also respect when others say no to me and not take it personally.

I went from being too loose with my boundaries to being too rigid, and now I’m somewhere in-between. I’m still learning and growing. There are still times when a yes should have been a no, but thank God for His grace. This life is a journey, and while I still have a long road ahead, I also have covered a lot of ground. I’m grateful for the lessons learned along the way. I’m learning how to say no with love. I intend to keep learning, loving, and serving.

Thanks for joining me on this journey! I love all of y’all for real!

Kim

September 18, 2021September 18, 2021

Unexpected Reality

Then they rose early in the morning and worshiped before the Lord and returned and came to their house at Ramah. And Elkanah knew Hannah, his wife, and the Lord remembered her. 1 Samuel 1:19

So, here I am—a 35-year-old single, childless woman. I am not working the job I want and just kind of generally feeling like I’m living below the promises of God.

I’m trying to be grateful and see all the beautiful things that I have in my life. I have wonderfully supportive friends and family who genuinely love me. I have a job that provides more than I need, a lovely home, and hobbies that I genuinely enjoy. I’m even dating, which has proved to be an enjoyable and educational experience.

Yet, I feel a void when I think about this unexpected reality. I desire marriage, kids, and a family of my own. I’m approaching the get-up and go in peace place like Hannah. I’m no longer in the weeping year after year phase. THat weeping and anguish got old quickly.

I also feel like going in peace is a little like letting go. It feels like I’m giving up on a dream. If I surrender and say, God, if you do, I’m good, but God, even if you don’t, I’m still good. Sometimes this feels like I’m burying my desires and dreams to accept life as is.

The thing is, I know in my mind this isn’t true. In my mind, the path forward is God’s will, and I’m possibly even delaying His will for me by not fully surrendering. However, it’s proven challenging to let go and let God. How do I submit and be OK with whatever the outcome is and still pray for my desires simultaneously?

All I know to do is go to God and be honest. I have to tell Him how I feel and then not worry. Remember to look at how much He has already blessed me. Then pray some more until I hear from Him. I genuinely do want to lay this burden down. I do want to get up from prayer and walk in peace. I want to praise God whatever the outcome genuinely. I declare that joy will be my portion, and I’ll be thankful in all things.

So, it’s kind of two-fold; my unexpected reality is that I’m single with no kids, and I’m trying to put that at God’s feet. But, it’s not as consuming as it used to be. Now, I focus more on what’s accurate, sound, trustworthy, and virtuous so that God can keep His promise and guard my heart and mind with peace that surpasses understanding. God is faithful and just to perform His word.

Therefore, I’m going to live, rejoice, and be free while having fun in the meantime.

January 8, 2021January 8, 2021

Intentional Wholeness

Intentional wholeness is my guiding phrase for the year 2021. This phrase means I am seeking restoration, health, wellness, and a sound mind on purpose. Things like restoration do not happen by accident. It takes purposeful, intentional action directed toward a specific goal. This phrase also means that I want my whole life to be full, not just certain parts. So, I’ve decided to focus this year on five specific areas: faith, finances, fitness, fun, love.

Faith.

Faith is dealing with my relationship with God. I picked the word intentional because our God is intentional. He set the end before the beginning. He has a plan for each of us, a plan to give us hope and not to harm us. So, if I want to be closer to Him, I have to develop a plan. My plan starts with fasting, prayer, and bible study. At the end of the year, I want to say that I heard from God and am on the path He set out for me long ago. I want to filter everything through Him. To ensure that I keep Jesus first and become intentionally whole, I declare over myself every day that I intentionally pursue a closer relationship with God through prayer, fasting, meditation, and bible study. Then I take the first 15 minutes of my day to pray and meditate.

Finances.

God said that we should owe man nothing but love. Unfortunately, as of right now I owe man some money too. So, part of my intentional wholeness goal is to get my finances in order. I want to be a good steward of what God has blessed me with. To do that I need to get out of debt. Knowing that I owe money to other people is draining.

There are things I cannot do because that money is already earmarked for debt repayment. I want to regain financial independence. I also want to invest, save, and make more money. At the end of the year, I want to have a fully-funded emergency fund and be deep into the debt repayment process. To aid me in accomplishing this goal, I declare that I am a good steward of finances that God has blessed me with. I know what to do with money and operate in abundance.

Fitness.

This quite frankly, is what I’m dreading most. I know the benefits of health and what fitness brings. I intend to live a long and prosperous life. So, I must get in shape not only for my benefit but for the benefit of any future children, I may have. My legacy depends on my being well. Living out the plans God has for me depends on my health and wellness. This doesn’t mean just physically either. Mental health is important as well. At the end of the year, I want to be quite a few pounds lighter and be able to claim the peace and rest of God every day. My fitness affirmation is my mind and body are getting stronger and healthier every day.

Fun.

This one is simple. I plan to have more fun in 2021. Being an adult, working, and paying bills isn’t fun. I want to spend more time with friends. I want to dance around my house without care. Plain and simple fun, without worrying about what else I have to do. This may take some time and a mindset shift, but I’m up for the challenge.

Love.

I’m not just talking about romantic love. If I’m looking at the whole of my life, then love persists in every relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I desire to meet my husband, but I want to be a loving person in general. I want to exude love in every interaction I have with another human being. That has not always been the case. My affirmation is I am loved by Christ. I will exhibit His love today. What goals and intentions are you setting for 2021?

Thanks for joining me on this journey through singleness!

Kim

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