Category: Love

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Accidental Date

I went on a date by accident. What I thought was an innocent lunch between long-time friends ended up being a date. Let’s start at the beginning.

The Beginning

I have always wholeheartedly believed men and women could be friends. So, when I met this gentleman in 2014, we became fast friends. We talked on the phone and texted regularly. There were no romantic sparks, just genuine interest in one another’s lives. We met at church and hung out from time to time. Every time we talked, I laughed because our conversations were hilarious. We talked about everything from God to careers to our love lives. I enjoyed our friendship.

The Accidental Date

Due to the pandemic and life, we hadn’t seen each other in a while. So one day, my friend suggested we meet up for lunch. I agreed to lunch because we always have fun together. So, the day of the lunch comes, and I’m 1.5 hours late. I was dogsitting and lost track of time. When I looked at my phone, I had many missed calls and texts from him. I called and apologized and told him I’d be there in 5 minutes. (Which is 15 minutes.)

I arrived and didn’t initially see him, so I walked to the restaurant’s entrance. I got distracted by a loudspeaker announcing the going-out-business sale of a nearby store. As I was listening and wondering if I should visit the store after lunch, I saw a man with flowers standing by the entrance. I absent-mindedly thought that was sweet. He is probably surprising his girlfriend. When I got closer, I realized that the guy was my friend.

Surprise! Date by Accident

Confusion covered my face. I wondered if someone else was joining us and why my friend had waited to give the flowers to her since I was so late. Then he handed the flowers to me. I was shocked. I had no idea what to do or say. I’m sure my face showed what I thought because he asked me if I was okay. I finally came to my senses and muttered, “Yes, thank you.” Then we walked into the restaurant. The hostess sat us, and I quickly put the flowers onto a chair and shoved the chair under the table. I didn’t want to look at or even acknowledge them.

I pretended that everything was normal. We laughed, and we had a good time. I thought I had been successful in my attempt to avoid the flowers. Then, the manager asked if it was my birthday, pointing at the flowers. I could no longer ignore the flowers or my beaming friend. He was smiling so wide; that I wanted to go home. I politely told the manager no and decided to talk with my friend.

The Talk

I asked about the flowers. I could have been tactful, but it annoyed me. My friend said, “This is what you do on a date.” I was in disbelief. I asked why did he think this was a date. Then he confessed his feelings for me. I was so disappointed, and he could tell. I told him I did not have a romantic interest in him. I looked at him like a little brother. I considered it for two seconds, but I could not imagine him kissing me. So, that was that. We left and said we would still be friends, but I haven’t heard from him.

Friends

I couldn’t figure out why I was disappointed that my friend wanted to date me. After a lot of thought and prayer, I figured it out. It hurt to know he was never my friend, laying in wait until he thought I was available. When he produced the flowers, I knew I would lose a friend. I still believe men and women can be friends. Maybe we will be friends again. In the meantime, I’ll value the friendships I have even more.

Thanks for joining me on this journey,

Kim

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Going Outside

I went from having two dates per week to having only three dates this year. Why the sudden change? Well, I had a “boo-thang” and wanted to be in a real relationship. He tried to keep it as is. So, I pursued what I wanted. Deciding to leave hurt me, but I didn’t realize how much. I tried to date, but I wasn’t up to it. So, I gave dating a little break. Now I feel fully ready to jump back into the dating pool but with some changes. I’m going outside!

Online Dating

Online dating was my jam! I was flirty and fun and had a wonderful experience or a great learning lesson with every man I met. I created a profile that I felt best showed who I was and why someone should swipe on me. This time around, however, I felt like I needed to do something different. I do not want to rely on online dating to meet men solely. So, I’m going outside!

Going Outside

The thing about meeting men outside is that I have to go out to do it. That’s probably why I excelled at online dating. I didn’t have to go outside. The most I had to do was swipe and respond to messages. That low effort allowed me to date. Do not get me wrong. I still had to be intentional and get in the mindset to attract and meet men, even online—intention matters. 

So, I asked myself, what would my ideal man be doing on a Saturday afternoon? What do I want to do on a Saturday afternoon? Do I like to volunteer? Do I want to lay back and chill while drinking a frappuccino? The answer is yes to both. The next step is to go out and do those things. Yet, why do I find myself at home night after night? Am I ready for what I say I want? Do I believe that this is indeed possible for me? Can I put in the effort needed to achieve the goal I want?

Becoming

Going outside is just the first step. Logically one would think that it would be easy. Go to events and talk to men. Be open, smile a lot, and make men believe that you are interested and interesting. My friends and I had this quote we chanted to ourselves before going out. We would look at each other and say, “ Stop, Stare, Speak,” about attracting men. Then we would go out and do it. It actually worked!

It took me so long to recognize when men were flirting with me, and sometimes, I still think I’m that same confused girl. Though I’m not where I want to be, I must give credit to the woman I am becoming. I am more supportive; am I genuinely happy with my life and where it’s going. I have people around me who love and encourage me. I am creating the life I’ve always dreamed of. 

Time to Go Outside

While I took this break, from dating, I made sure that my heart was in a good and healthy place to receive the love I deserve. This time around feels different. I’m sure of what I want and who I am. I know what I need to work on, and I’m putting in the work to improve. I’m looking for someone on the same journey. So, here’s to going out and meeting the man God has for me.

Be sure to check out https://kimmcauley.com/dusty-man-trap/.

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Broken Heart

Broken Hearted

I know the pain of a broken heart: the despair, the brokenness, and feelings of helplessness and loneliness. I’ve cried those same tears. I’ve felt there was no one to turn to, no one who could understand what I felt. Yet, there is hope! You will heal from a broken heart.

Broken Heart

Healing from a broken heart requires you first to process the pain. Processing the pain looks different for everyone. Some people cry others shout, and some go to therapy. In my case, it was all three combined. Whatever you do, please don’t hold it in. Someone or something broke your heart, and it hurts. Don’t suffer in silence. Don’t allow your feelings to control you. Let the pain out. Psalm 34:17 says, “The Lord hears His people when they call to Him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles.” The Lord hears you when you cry out, so cry out. No one can listen to what you keep hidden inside. Once you cry out to Him, he will hear you and rescue you from your troubles.

Let It Go

Once you’ve processed the pain and cried out, stop replaying the hurt over and over in your mind. Stop thinking about all the ways you could have avoided it or things you should have done. It won’t ease the hurt. It only makes things worse because you keep reliving the pain. I know it’s going to be hard, but try not to think about it. You have to let it go. Let it go by keeping your mind fixed on God.

Isaiah 26:3 says, “God will keep you in perfect peace when you fix your thoughts on Him.” You can keep your thoughts fixed on Him by thinking about what is true, honorable, right, pure, excellent, and worthy of praise (Philippians 4:8). If you find yourself thinking about the hurt, stop and redirect your thoughts to God and more pleasurable things. In time you will find that you are in His perfect peace and on your way to having a healed heart.

Forgive

In that peaceful place, you’ll find it easier to forgive. Why should you forgive someone who hurt you so deeply? Why should you forgive someone who knew you, loved you, and still hurt you? Should you forgive someone who doesn’t even deserve forgiveness? It doesn’t seem fair. I struggled with this the most. It feels like someone should pay for the pain they inflicted. Someone should hurt, just like you are hurting. The thing is, though, it’s never quite satisfying to hurt someone else just because you’re hurt. It doesn’t erase your pain. You may feel vindicated, but what does that feeling do? It just adds more hurt to the world.

Compassion

In order to forgive, you have to do so from a place of compassion and mercy. You cannot forgive in your own strength. You have to rely on God to give you the grace to forgive. Why does God continually forgive us when we constantly hurt Him? When we intentionally disobey Him? He forgives us because He is full of grace and mercy and expects us to extend that same grace and mercy to others. Colossians 3:13 says, “make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive anyone who offends you.

Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” We are commanded to forgive as we’ve been forgiven. To forgive, I had to remember that God forgave me when I didn’t deserve it, and He did the same for me. Consider how God has forgiven you. Think about all that you have done and how much mercy God has shown you. Ask the Holy Spirit into your heart so that you can rely on Him for the understanding and compassion needed to forgive someone. Forgiveness will lead to healing. Healing and wholeness are God’s desires for you. Psalm 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.”

Hope

Healing is a process, and there is no timeframe for it. It may take some people a week and take others years. Although dealing with and healing from pain isn’t easy, you will survive. I did, as have so many others. You are still living and breathing and making it through. You may have been knocked down, but it did not destroy you. There is a joy that is coming that you cannot believe. Not only will you survive, but you will also be happy, whole, and wholly healed. You will love again, and it will be all that God has promised. He hasn’t failed you yet, and He never will.

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Healthy Boundaries

Establishing healthy boundaries is imperative to maintaining mental wellbeing. People need access to us, but how much access should we grant? When is being too available detrimental to our health? How do I set boundaries to protect my peace? How do I make sure I respect the boundaries other people have set? As a believer, how do I help without harming myself?

As I continue on my self-discovery and personal growth journey, these questions have come up repeatedly. There have been instances where I needed to establish a boundary and didn’t. The opposite is also true. I prayed and asked for wisdom on how to set limits while still exhibiting love.

Unhealthy Boundaries

At first, any and everyone had access to my whole self. No was not a part of my vocabulary. If someone needed help, I was there. When a friend or even a not-so-close associate called or texted at an inconvenient time, I answered or responded quickly. I held nothing back. I gave all of me and expected nothing in return. In theory, this sounds like a great human being. It sounds like I did more than my share for my fellow man. After all, isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Aren’t we supposed to serve and do what we can for those in need?

In reality, it left me exhausted and a little cold-hearted. I started to dread those calls, and resentment began to form in my heart. My cup was empty, yet I was still pouring from it. I was not taking any time for myself. Saying yes to them meant saying no to me. That way of life was not sustainable. So what did I do? I became rigid and selfish. It was all me all the time until God convicted my heart. That’s when I started asking all those questions above. How can I say yes to people and say yes to myself at the same time? His answer was to set healthy boundaries and start using the word no.

Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships.

therapistaid.com

I must bear the burdens of another, but I must also keep a watchful eye on myself so that I won’t call it quits as well. Ok, so how do I do that? What rules do I need to set and enforce to serve others and maintain my mental and physical health? The first step was to admit that I was not a superhero. I cannot be all things to all people. Pride caused me always to try and help because I wanted to be the one people called on. It made me feel good. My pride and ego had to go. Though it was a tough pill to swallow, I’m glad that I saw my role in it and had the opportunity to correct it.

The next step was only saying yes to those who genuinely asked for help. By doing this, I wasn’t out all times of day and night just because someone asked. I started looking for resources outside of myself that could help them. If they chose to avail themselves of those resources great, if not, I questioned if they really needed help or just wanted me to do the work for them.

Enforcing Healthy Boundaries

Naturally, the next step was saying no. Saying no was hard. I’m a recovering people-pleaser, and I was still dealing with my pride issue. So, saying no took effort, intentionality, and time. Saying no is the way to enforce the boundaries I set. I had to start valuing my own opinion. What I feel and how it impacts me is essential. I gave myself permission to feel and examine whether those emotions were valid. Enforcing my boundaries helped me to do that. Now I can serve in a way that was not available to me before. I can also respect when others say no to me and not take it personally.

I went from being too loose with my boundaries to being too rigid, and now I’m somewhere in-between. I’m still learning and growing. There are still times when a yes should have been a no, but thank God for His grace. This life is a journey, and while I still have a long road ahead, I also have covered a lot of ground. I’m grateful for the lessons learned along the way. I’m learning how to say no with love. I intend to keep learning, loving, and serving.

Thanks for joining me on this journey! I love all of y’all for real!

Kim

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Love: Courtship and Dating

Here we discuss faith, fitness, finances, fun love today. I want to talk about love, or more explicitly, dating and courting. 

Story Time

So, I had a boyfriend for five years, and after that, I did not date for six years. Then I dated heavily for 2.5 years. It was fun & I was not dating seriously. It taught me a lot about what I wanted & what I did not want. So that brings us to this year. Around March of this year, I hired a dating coach for high-value women of faith. This course lasted 12 weeks, and while the intention was to be found by the love of my life, the result was me falling more in love with God & myself. I found a community of like-minded women who are on the same mission & got the same result. Because my mindset has changed, I know what I want is possible.

Lesson Learned

I also learned how to communicate what I want. I have the vision and can make it plain. Since joining this group for the first time, I have been able to envision myself getting married. Not just the dress or the wedding venue, but I can see myself as a bride and a wife. Before, I could see myself in the beautiful white dress surrounded by friends and family. I could see the gorgeous venue and all of the beautiful flowers and other decorations, but I could not see myself living life as a wife. I know it sounds crazy. 

Make it Plain

Marriage is something that most Christian women aspire to be, at least the ones I know. We’re taught that this is what we should want, a beautiful wedding, beautiful marriage, and beautiful kids. What we weren’t taught is how to get that. We’re not taught how to envision that life and go after it. So now, I can see my regular, every life as a wife. I can see myself waking up beside my husband and how our lives will look. I can see us celebrating our joy. 

That’s all due to the mindset shift, instead of focusing on the man and the marriage. I am focusing on myself and making my life as complete as possible. No one wants a person who is just existing. I know I don’t. I want someone compatible with me. 

Mindset Shift

Now that I love myself, even more, I’m going to make sure I honor God and my desires in every decision I make, especially the person I choose to marry. Emphasis on choice. I’m willing to wait to get what I want, whoever God has for me. I abandoned the thought that there weren’t any good men left. There are plenty of good men who want to be with me. All I have to do is use my God-given discernment to choose the right one for me. I meet good men all the time. If that’s not your experience, ask yourself why? I know what I want, and I’m willing to trust God with the next steps. 

Bottom line, fall in love with yourself, disabuse yourself of the notion that dating is too much or little of anything, and allow God to work. I promise He will blow your mind.

We are attracting and manifesting over here. So keep being free and living in joy! Please don’t forget to share, like, and subscribe! See you next time! Love, Kim

Also Read:

Pray. Listen. Obey.

Rejoice | Enjoying Life to the Fullest
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Living Free Joyfully

living free joyfully
Living

Living noun /ˈliviNG/: the pursuit of a lifestyle of the specified type.

dictionary.com

This is my year of intention. I plan to get every promise God has for me. I’m tired of just existing or surviving. It’s time to live! No longer will I live below the promises of God. Everything that He promised me would be mine. My life will be a reflection of Him. It’s time to come alive and do what God placed in me.

Free

Free adjective /frē/: not under the control or in the power of another; able to act or be done as one wishes.

dictionary.com

As defined by the dictionary, freedom leads one to believe that she can do whatever she wants. The freedom I crave is to be unbound, unrestrained, and no longer obligated under the yoke of the law. My freedom is found in Christ alone. He set me free to live an abundant life. I am free indeed and will obtain this freedom in every area of my life.

Joyfully

Joyfully adverb /ˈjoifəlē/: with great pleasure and happiness.

dictionary.com

His joy is in me, and it is full. I ask this question to myself every day, “What have I done to spark joy today?” Joy is imperative. It’s a reminder that Christ is with me. It helps ease the troubles and woes that being in this world brings. Joy breeds gratitude. I choose joy and to be glad.

Living Free Joyfully

This is a departure from Single In Christ. While that spirit remains, this blog will now focus on the whole single person and not just how to cope with being single. God has so much more in store. I will be married one day. But in the meantime, I’m still a complete person, and I choose to focus on my entire being and not one aspect of it. So, yes, I will still discuss love and dating. However, I will also discuss faith, finances, fitness (mental and physical), and plain old fun. Let’s discover how to obtain freedom and joy in every area!

Continue living free joyfully!

-Kim

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My Updated Plan

Mu Updated Plan

Last year my plan was not to be single by Valentine’s Day 2021. Enter a global pandemic, my parents and sister suffering from COVID-19, losing a job, getting another job, weight gain and loss, and just the trial of life in general. With all of that happening, no one would blame me for taking time off from dating. After all, there are so many reasons not to date.  

However, I still viewed this as a time to go after what I wanted, although I had to be more creative in doing it. So, here’s the big question: did I meet my goal?

Goal Met?

Not exactly, but I’m close. Allow me to explain. My goal was not to be single. So, yes, I’m single, but I did have Valentine’s Day date. See, not exactly the goal, but it’s definitely progress! I’m still committed to working out this plan. This plan covers many areas of my life, and while it’s not just relationship-specific, it has allowed me to accomplish goals in my life.  

I view it like this; I’m doing my best and allowing God to do the rest. I’m fully aware that there are things outside of my control. There certainly are areas where I can improve. I do not have it all together. But with God’s help and wisdom, I know I will accomplish fantastic things. I know His plan will manifest in the earth. So, no, my timeline didn’t exactly work out, but my goal is still in full effect.

New Plan

So, what’s my new updated plan? To continue rotationally dating multiple men and enjoying myself. My goal isn’t just marriage now. My goal is also to adopt a new mindset and enjoy the journey instead of anticipating the destination. This time, I’m going to pray and allow God to lead me. While I did pray last year, it was more of an afterthought than allowing His Holy Spirit to lead. My plan now includes being excited about the possibilities and not afraid of the outcome.

I’m letting go of the rigidity and timeline of my plan and allow God to intervene as He sees fit. Basically, I’m submitting to His will. I haven’t totally abandoned my plan. I adjusted it to be in line with God’s will. I highly suggest allowing God to have His way. It will blow your mind every time. So, in all things, be led by the Holy Spirit and enjoy the journey. We are complete humans with so many experiences—no need to wait on the next stage to start enjoying it. 

Thanks for joining me on this journey through singleness,

Kim

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My Updated Plan
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Intentional Wholeness

Intentional Wholeness

Intentional wholeness is my guiding phrase for the year 2021. This phrase means I am seeking restoration, health, wellness, and a sound mind on purpose. Things like restoration do not happen by accident. It takes purposeful, intentional action directed toward a specific goal. This phrase also means that I want my whole life to be full, not just certain parts. So, I’ve decided to focus this year on five specific areas: faith, finances, fitness, fun, love.

Faith.

Faith is dealing with my relationship with God. I picked the word intentional because our God is intentional. He set the end before the beginning. He has a plan for each of us, a plan to give us hope and not to harm us. So, if I want to be closer to Him, I have to develop a plan. My plan starts with fasting, prayer, and bible study. At the end of the year, I want to say that I heard from God and am on the path He set out for me long ago. I want to filter everything through Him. To ensure that I keep Jesus first and become intentionally whole, I declare over myself every day that I intentionally pursue a closer relationship with God through prayer, fasting, meditation, and bible study. Then I take the first 15 minutes of my day to pray and meditate.

Finances.

God said that we should owe man nothing but love. Unfortunately, as of right now I owe man some money too. So, part of my intentional wholeness goal is to get my finances in order. I want to be a good steward of what God has blessed me with. To do that I need to get out of debt. Knowing that I owe money to other people is draining.

There are things I cannot do because that money is already earmarked for debt repayment. I want to regain financial independence. I also want to invest, save, and make more money. At the end of the year, I want to have a fully-funded emergency fund and be deep into the debt repayment process. To aid me in accomplishing this goal, I declare that I am a good steward of finances that God has blessed me with. I know what to do with money and operate in abundance.

Fitness.

This quite frankly, is what I’m dreading most. I know the benefits of health and what fitness brings. I intend to live a long and prosperous life. So, I must get in shape not only for my benefit but for the benefit of any future children, I may have. My legacy depends on my being well. Living out the plans God has for me depends on my health and wellness. This doesn’t mean just physically either. Mental health is important as well. At the end of the year, I want to be quite a few pounds lighter and be able to claim the peace and rest of God every day. My fitness affirmation is my mind and body are getting stronger and healthier every day.

Fun.

This one is simple. I plan to have more fun in 2021. Being an adult, working, and paying bills isn’t fun. I want to spend more time with friends. I want to dance around my house without care. Plain and simple fun, without worrying about what else I have to do. This may take some time and a mindset shift, but I’m up for the challenge.

Love.

I’m not just talking about romantic love. If I’m looking at the whole of my life, then love persists in every relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I desire to meet my husband, but I want to be a loving person in general. I want to exude love in every interaction I have with another human being. That has not always been the case. My affirmation is I am loved by Christ. I will exhibit His love today. What goals and intentions are you setting for 2021?

 

Thanks for joining me on this journey through singleness!

Kim

 

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