Category: Patience

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Accidental Date

I went on a date by accident. What I thought was an innocent lunch between long-time friends ended up being a date. Let’s start at the beginning.

The Beginning

I have always wholeheartedly believed men and women could be friends. So, when I met this gentleman in 2014, we became fast friends. We talked on the phone and texted regularly. There were no romantic sparks, just genuine interest in one another’s lives. We met at church and hung out from time to time. Every time we talked, I laughed because our conversations were hilarious. We talked about everything from God to careers to our love lives. I enjoyed our friendship.

The Accidental Date

Due to the pandemic and life, we hadn’t seen each other in a while. So one day, my friend suggested we meet up for lunch. I agreed to lunch because we always have fun together. So, the day of the lunch comes, and I’m 1.5 hours late. I was dogsitting and lost track of time. When I looked at my phone, I had many missed calls and texts from him. I called and apologized and told him I’d be there in 5 minutes. (Which is 15 minutes.)

I arrived and didn’t initially see him, so I walked to the restaurant’s entrance. I got distracted by a loudspeaker announcing the going-out-business sale of a nearby store. As I was listening and wondering if I should visit the store after lunch, I saw a man with flowers standing by the entrance. I absent-mindedly thought that was sweet. He is probably surprising his girlfriend. When I got closer, I realized that the guy was my friend.

Surprise! Date by Accident

Confusion covered my face. I wondered if someone else was joining us and why my friend had waited to give the flowers to her since I was so late. Then he handed the flowers to me. I was shocked. I had no idea what to do or say. I’m sure my face showed what I thought because he asked me if I was okay. I finally came to my senses and muttered, “Yes, thank you.” Then we walked into the restaurant. The hostess sat us, and I quickly put the flowers onto a chair and shoved the chair under the table. I didn’t want to look at or even acknowledge them.

I pretended that everything was normal. We laughed, and we had a good time. I thought I had been successful in my attempt to avoid the flowers. Then, the manager asked if it was my birthday, pointing at the flowers. I could no longer ignore the flowers or my beaming friend. He was smiling so wide; that I wanted to go home. I politely told the manager no and decided to talk with my friend.

The Talk

I asked about the flowers. I could have been tactful, but it annoyed me. My friend said, “This is what you do on a date.” I was in disbelief. I asked why did he think this was a date. Then he confessed his feelings for me. I was so disappointed, and he could tell. I told him I did not have a romantic interest in him. I looked at him like a little brother. I considered it for two seconds, but I could not imagine him kissing me. So, that was that. We left and said we would still be friends, but I haven’t heard from him.

Friends

I couldn’t figure out why I was disappointed that my friend wanted to date me. After a lot of thought and prayer, I figured it out. It hurt to know he was never my friend, laying in wait until he thought I was available. When he produced the flowers, I knew I would lose a friend. I still believe men and women can be friends. Maybe we will be friends again. In the meantime, I’ll value the friendships I have even more.

Thanks for joining me on this journey,

Kim

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Forgiveness

Forgiveness in Greek means sending away, letting go, giving up debt, not condemning, or keeping no longer. Forgiveness is the hard work of Christianity. As believers, we must forgive those who harmed us. It seems like a simple request. Your sins were wiped away when you were forgiven, so give others the same forgiveness. Yet, the actual act of forgiving someone is hard. This begs the question, why is it so hard?

Hurt


Forgiveness is challenging because of the hurt suffered. The pain and humiliation are scars that we have to deal with. The insults and negativity are not easily forgotten. While forgiveness does not require forgetting, it does require letting go of the hurt and offense. Letting go means realizing and admitting the depth of the wound. There is no use in forgiving someone of the pain they caused if it is still there. Holding on to the pain, anger, resentment, or whatever harmful offense will only hurt you in the long run. Hurt people respond from their place of hurt. There is not enough room for darkness and light to coexist in our hearts. We must choose light. We have to let go of the pain. So, how do we let go of the hurt?

Process


Pain is a real-time reminder of the offense endured. It’s okay to start small. Admit the pain is real and still hurts. Confess to yourself and God that you want it gone. Ask yourself why you held on to it. I held on to my pain because I didn’t want to be hurt again. That reminder was in my heart so that no one could get too close. I refused to live that hurt again. Now, I see that I did not allow myself to feel the love destined for me by harboring the offense.

The consequence of me holding on to the pain was not experiencing the close relationships with others and God I desired. Your why and results may be different. It’s still important to get to the root of the issue. Getting to the source can take time. Letting go demands reflection and growth. We have to dig deep and give it away completely. The good news is that we don’t have to do this independently. We can rely on God and the people He’s surrounded us with to help us navigate this. Still, there seems to be more than just the pain that’s not allowing us to forgive fully.

Justice


After all of the hurt and suffering we endured, it seems like the other person does not deserve forgiveness. It does not seem fair. What justice is served by forgiving the person that caused so much offense and pain? It looks like they should suffer some too. With this mindset, everyone in the world would be in a constant state of suffering. There would be no relief. Thank God justice is left up to Him. Forgiveness requires faith because we have to trust that Yahweh will handle it. We are called to forgive. When has God ever led us astray? He would not ask us to do something that harms us. Therefore, forgiveness must benefit us. Although we may not see the justice, we feel we deserve, that doesn’t mean the offender won’t pay. After all, we reap what we sow. Looking to repay evil for evil isn’t justice.

Forgiveness


At this point, we have let go of the hurt and stopped seeking revenge. Now is the time to invite mercy and kindness into our hearts and forgive. Compassion allows us to understand that the offender was a hurt person operating out of that hurt. What kind of insecurities and pain were they covering to harm another person that badly? Only love can cover a multitude of sins. Only love can drive out fear, hate, and pain. In this world, we rarely see love in action. Let’s be the change we want to see. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Forgiveness may take time, but it’s possible. What is keeping you in the bondage of pain? Why not start the healing process and forgive today? Your reward will be great.

But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.  Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

Luke 6:35-36

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Grateful

As Thanksgiving rolls around again, we often think about what we are grateful for. The answers are varied, but usually, we hear things like family, friends, and life. While I am definitely thankful for family and friends, I decided to be grateful for what I didn’t get this year.

Grateful for No Romantic Relationship

No, I’m not in a relationship. I still desire to be in one. I’m grateful for the almost-relationships. It feels like I’ve been dating people non-stop for three years now. Currently, I’m on a break. This break allowed me to realize I’m willing to fall in love. I was not willing to risk heartbreak before. I actually took a chance on love and failed. I failed beautifully, though. So, I’m grateful that I got to chance to learn, love, and laugh. I’m also grateful that I get the chance to do it again; with the right person this time.

Grateful for Unanswered Prayers

Unanswered prayers seem like a strange thing to be grateful for. Lessons in the art of patience were plentiful this year. Learning to praise Him in the silence is hard. The silence of unanswered prayers is deafening. It makes me focus on the lack instead of the plenty Yahweh has already blessed me with. The unanswered prayers made me look at all that I have. It made me look at the works that Yahweh did through my hands. I realized through the silence that I am a vessel, and there is more work to do. So, I’m grateful for the unanswered prayers because they allowed me to see how much I already have and who I am. Yes, I still want my prayers answered, even if the answer is no. In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy and be thankful for everything around me.

Grateful for Feeling Stagnant

This year, I felt stagnant. I felt like I wasn’t moving or going anywhere. It seemed as if I had reached all my potential. I’m thankful that is not the truth. I still have the power, strength, and potential to do great things. Greater is coming for me. It took that feeling of stagnancy to make me realize how much control I have over my life. If I want more and better, then I can work to get it. Nothing is stopping me from achieving my goals and Yahweh’s will for my life other than me. So, I’m grateful that I found the will to keep going and push myself. I’m grateful that I can see the future laid out for me, and I’m going to get it. Just watch and see.

Gratefulness

Being thankful is about showing appreciation for a thing or to someone. The truth is, I have a lot to be grateful for. So many positive lessons have come from what can be perceived as losses. Now, I would prefer to learn those lessons without pain, but it was necessary for me. From now on, I plan to focus on the beautiful life I have right now. Goodness surrounds me, and more is coming. What more could I be grateful for?

Thanks for joining me on the journey! Happy Thanksgiving!

Love, Kim.

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Healthy Boundaries

Establishing healthy boundaries is imperative to maintaining mental wellbeing. People need access to us, but how much access should we grant? When is being too available detrimental to our health? How do I set boundaries to protect my peace? How do I make sure I respect the boundaries other people have set? As a believer, how do I help without harming myself?

As I continue on my self-discovery and personal growth journey, these questions have come up repeatedly. There have been instances where I needed to establish a boundary and didn’t. The opposite is also true. I prayed and asked for wisdom on how to set limits while still exhibiting love.

Unhealthy Boundaries

At first, any and everyone had access to my whole self. No was not a part of my vocabulary. If someone needed help, I was there. When a friend or even a not-so-close associate called or texted at an inconvenient time, I answered or responded quickly. I held nothing back. I gave all of me and expected nothing in return. In theory, this sounds like a great human being. It sounds like I did more than my share for my fellow man. After all, isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Aren’t we supposed to serve and do what we can for those in need?

In reality, it left me exhausted and a little cold-hearted. I started to dread those calls, and resentment began to form in my heart. My cup was empty, yet I was still pouring from it. I was not taking any time for myself. Saying yes to them meant saying no to me. That way of life was not sustainable. So what did I do? I became rigid and selfish. It was all me all the time until God convicted my heart. That’s when I started asking all those questions above. How can I say yes to people and say yes to myself at the same time? His answer was to set healthy boundaries and start using the word no.

Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships.

therapistaid.com

I must bear the burdens of another, but I must also keep a watchful eye on myself so that I won’t call it quits as well. Ok, so how do I do that? What rules do I need to set and enforce to serve others and maintain my mental and physical health? The first step was to admit that I was not a superhero. I cannot be all things to all people. Pride caused me always to try and help because I wanted to be the one people called on. It made me feel good. My pride and ego had to go. Though it was a tough pill to swallow, I’m glad that I saw my role in it and had the opportunity to correct it.

The next step was only saying yes to those who genuinely asked for help. By doing this, I wasn’t out all times of day and night just because someone asked. I started looking for resources outside of myself that could help them. If they chose to avail themselves of those resources great, if not, I questioned if they really needed help or just wanted me to do the work for them.

Enforcing Healthy Boundaries

Naturally, the next step was saying no. Saying no was hard. I’m a recovering people-pleaser, and I was still dealing with my pride issue. So, saying no took effort, intentionality, and time. Saying no is the way to enforce the boundaries I set. I had to start valuing my own opinion. What I feel and how it impacts me is essential. I gave myself permission to feel and examine whether those emotions were valid. Enforcing my boundaries helped me to do that. Now I can serve in a way that was not available to me before. I can also respect when others say no to me and not take it personally.

I went from being too loose with my boundaries to being too rigid, and now I’m somewhere in-between. I’m still learning and growing. There are still times when a yes should have been a no, but thank God for His grace. This life is a journey, and while I still have a long road ahead, I also have covered a lot of ground. I’m grateful for the lessons learned along the way. I’m learning how to say no with love. I intend to keep learning, loving, and serving.

Thanks for joining me on this journey! I love all of y’all for real!

Kim