Purity culture is the idea that a person (mostly women) must stay pure (virgin-like) to receive a God-ordained marriage. The message of the culture was that all we had to do was pray and wait on the Lord and serve in the local church. Then, magically and at the right time, the Lord would reward us with marriage.
Heavy emphasis was placed on abstaining from sex before marriage. The problem with the purity message was how we glorified marriage and purity, not God. There was little to no teaching on preparing to be a wife. There was no instruction for men to be husbands and develop self-control. From my experience, most of the education focused on women waiting on and travailing in the Lord.
The Problem
Let me preface this by saying there is nothing wrong with waiting on the Lord. When you wait on the Lord, He will renew your strength. I am also not advocating for sex outside of marriage. The problem was the implication that all we had to do was serve our church and wait on the Lord. Dating was practically deemed morally wrong. Emphasis was put on finding The One (Which isn’t biblically based.) Women were told to remain abstinent, pure, and holy. Men were told to follow the Lord and learn how to lead. Isn’t it funny how the purity message wasn’t preached as much to men as it was to women? Not funny, ha-ha, but funny weird.
The idea of “The One” was pushed so hard that it created anxiety, fear, and avoidant dating practices. The children of God were told to view one another as brothers and sisters in Christ, which made it slightly more difficult to find a mate. Sex was demonized so much that some couples report not enjoying it within the confines of marriage. Purity culture was convincing. It told us exactly what to do and how to get what we wanted–marriage and sex. All we had to do was serve God, so it seemed simple. Yet, why are so many of us disillusioned and breaking away from it and God altogether?
Selfish Hearts
Because purity culture was a scam, and we all fell for it. Purity culture had us base our relationship with God on a certain outcome, marriage. We became disillusioned, confused, and justifiably angry when we didn’t get married or eventually got divorced. I believe that behind all the prayers and purity-minded services were hearts that didn’t truly want Yahweh. We wanted what God would give us, not a relationship with Him. Purity messages were a convenient way to get people in the pews, especially women. Purity culture produced broken and angry people who are single or are in disastrous marriages. Granted, some marriages birthed out of purity culture are thriving, but we all can see the fallout of serving Yahweh selfishly.
The worst part is people are now mad at Yahweh. They are separating themselves from Him because of broken promises, yet those promises weren’t from Him; they were from the people who claimed to know Him. I acknowledge that it is a very tight line to walk. On one hand, there is a generation of people who wanted marriage and to please Yahweh. On the other hand, there are people who, although probably well-intentioned, took advantage of people desperately seeking answers, healing, and community.
Healing
The best part is that those answers, healing, and community are still available. They may not come in the package that we once thought they would, but they are there for those still seeking them. Now that we are older and wiser, it’s time to take back our autonomy. Yahweh is still the same gracious, kind, and loving God. For those who still desire marriage, there are plenty of men and women desiring the same marriage you do. For those who are hurt and broken, peace and comfort are available to you. To those who have may have left the faith, I pray you found what you were looking for. If not, Yahweh will always welcome you back with open arms, as He has done with all of us.